Are ants my fault? No. They're not.

I am *extremely suspicious* of groups of strangers because any one of you might secretly be a child, a man, a school bus or the particularly loud starling, but when you need advice, you need advice.

- actually I know I'm right but I like the sound of people agreeing with me.

I, 7m, 25 pounds, beautiful baby cat, am Dracula. The before place gave me my name because I had a long face and big ears and looked like a bat, but Maaaaaaama says it's perfect because I like to bite things. Plastic bags and artificial plants are good, but the best is fruit. MaaaAAAAmma shouts if I go on the counter, and so I am forced to steal and hide any fruit I want to bite.

I am very big and very strong, and I have the jaw grip of a crazed alligator. I can pick up all kinds of fruit. Plums, nectarines, oranges and tangerines, small apples and tomatoes, once a potato, bunches of grapes, and bananas, if there's only one or two of them. If the Fruit Barrier is not properly wedged in place, I will take them, hide them, and bite the living heck out of them. I never eat them - I am only interested in catfood, cat treats, cat fur, human hair and exactly nothing else - I just pierce them a million times and then lose interest when they get too soft. There is a daily fruit count and sweep of hiding places, but I am secretly a boneless weasel and can slither into places too small for a gentleman of my heft.

Through no fault of my own, this attracted fruit flies and ants. I like chasing the fruit flies but I don't care about the ants. MAAAAAmaaa cares, especially when a colony got established right in the kitchen. She was very embarrassed when she had to call the landlord, and very unhappy that I and the Only Other Cat I Tolerate (17f very small, arthritic, has outlived her lifetime supply of ducks) and her had to all go to Mom and Dad's while the place was fumigation.

Friends, nobles, and suspected children/ heavy machinery, she buttered me up with butter on my foot, and while I was distracted by horror, she stuffed me into a bag. The entire way to Mom and Dad's, she kept telling me that the whole mess is 1000% my fault and that I am a great big cloaca.

Is it my fault, though? She buys the fruit. She hasn't found a way to keep me away from it. She didn't find it quick enough after I enjoyed it, and she's the one who objects to ants crawling on her. I am nothing but an innocent fruit enjoyer and it's not my fault that I am big, strong and really good at biting things.

Please tell me about how you agree with me.