I screwed up again. What do I do now?

[And yes, this is about that Discord server I'm in again.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/s/fVbAqWBYAm)

I did what you guys suggested to me. I took a break for two weeks. I focused solely on talking to my closest friends and my girlfriend. But I eventually came back, and I thought things would be fine.

I was about to participate on a secret Santa, I was about to participate on a "costume party" for a Halloween roleplay. People were helping me with a fanfic I was writing. I even got a new friend (I think. He likes bothering me). Fuck man... I was happy. I was having a good day. I watched Clayface, excellent movie that made me feel, and I got updates from a comission I brought. I thought things were going along great... just like last time when I thought things were good before something bit in the ass.

So what was it this time?

Well, me and that server play Deadlock together. I try to be a good teammate for them.

And I got that "Drifter flow" video recommended to me. You know, that Dracula flow thing, but with the bars being repeated by someone voice acting as the game's notorious vampire character.

I posted that video in the gaming channel, you know? Because I thought my teammates would find that funny.

But when I did that, the owner and main writer of the server said I couldn't post it there because minors often come to the gaming channel, and they know the bars in that Dracula flow thing can be dirty. So they moved it to the adult channel. I apologized soon after.

Anyway... nothing immediately happened. I just got back to messaging the people in the server. I was analyzing their references for my fanfic, I was waiting for further updates on my commission... when I suddenly get a mod warning, saying that I got kicked for a week.

And it was because I posted that "Drifter flow" video on the gaming channel. Which broke their NSFW rules.

Now, I'm not gonna lie. Not gonna paint myself as a saint. I had 2 warnings before. As I said in the previous post, I struggle greatly with rules and I'm not a flexible person. I can't understand how rules can be used for very specific situations and shit.

These 2 warnings, which I got last year, were all related to the way I simped for a specific character in our fandom.

Like- I ***understood*** the rule saying that I couldn't share explicit art of any characters, so I never like- shared art of him that was Rule 34 material. But I ***did not*** understand that meant I couldn't share too much suggestive art of him on the adult channel. Which is what I got these 2 warnings for.

They told me, if I wanted to share something raunchy, then I should send it to them first to see if it's okay to share. And I started following that. I admit I got confused at first, specially since one of the server owner's best friends does post their own raunchy art there, that they draw themselves, but I adapted.

So what was my logic with that Drifter flow video?

"Is it about the character they warned me about? No. Is it explicit or overly suggestive art? Nope, it's a voice lines video. Does the thumbnail shows any bars that are too dirty? Nope. So I guess it's fine if I post it there because it's a video related to a game."

... yeah... I have no fucking common sense. Ever since I was a kid, these human rules and laws never made much sense to me. They're so fucking arbitrary. I can't grasp that shit the way I can grasp like- botany. That's actually something I can see, it's something that is actually there on the physical world for me to discover. Something I can actually smell and see and taste and understand how it works internally, and I just need to learn the methods to do it efficiently.

But rules? They're more like trying to learn a new language, but the language changes every time you sit back to study it again. It's like I'm trying to grasp at smoke.

Anyway, I replied to the moderator that I understood the reason that I was kicked, that it wouldn't happen again... but I also asked for them to let me talk to the server owner and the rest of the moderators in a big chat group once my kick was lifted, just so they can give me a long detailed lost of things I am not allowed to do and answer any questions I have. I made it clear that I genuinely want to try following their rules and that I see them as my friends, even if I cannot grasp most of the concepts they follow.

I'm also planning to straight up ask if they want me to leave on my own and if they think I'm causing too much trouble, ask me if they don't believe they can tolerate my "learning" much longer, to make things easier for everyone.

... I'll be perfectly honest, it never feels like I'm doing this human shit right. I hate it. I hate following these stupid rules and codes of conduct, and I'm finding it so exhausting to think of what other people will feel all the time, never sure if I'm doing my best for them, and still getting punished for it.

But this isn't only a question of "Do you think I should leave my server?"

... I'm afraid that I also don't feel like talking to my best friends anymore. I don't even wanna talk to my girlfriend. They're humans too. They also expect me to do this arbitrary dance for them and follow internal rules... and I don't wanna play with this shit right now.

... and that scares me. Why do I distrust my best friends and my girlfriend just like I distrust other humans? Why do I feel like I can just block them and return to how I was as a teenager, hissing at anyone who approached me during recess and talking to myself instead of other people?

My best friend did theorize that it's probably not just autism that makes me struggle, and that I must have some kind of anti-social personality disorder that I developed from my mom saying she wants to kill me every day, which makes me disregard rules and harder for me to care for people on a deeper level. I do think most humans suck and that I was born as the wrong species, but could that be really true?

I dunno man. I feel terrible. I didn't eat all day. I wanna sleep hungry. And I almost relapsed into cutting myself.

I'm just so lost... it doesn't feels like anything I am trying is working. So why try at all? Do I just leave? If so, when will I be allowed to be part of a group again? How long will it take until I can engage with a fandom again? Do I have to like- wait a decade or so after intense therapy to be allowed to talk to people again?

What do I do?