unsure how to help friend with BPD who is dependent on us
(i'm so sorry for the long post)
we have a friend with BPD, who has been raised by a couple narcissists... which means they have basically never had their emotional needs met, honestly they've been more emotionally abused than anything.
everything their parents have ever told them is a passive aggressive remark, they've never been complimented even once, only given backhanded remarks and straight up scolded and punished constantly for never being good enough. yelled at, grounded, whatever.
because of this they barely seem to have any free will. anything they ever want to do is diminished by their own shame and guilt, all they can ever think of is how their parents would get mad at them for this, how they're not supposed to do this, how they've been yelled at and abused for making even the smallest mistake.
they're afraid to do anything on their own because they're afraid of making even mistakes that nobody sees. even things that don't matter they get so scared of and they're constantly in fear of doing anything on their own because the only thing they know how to do is follow directions exactly.
if they don't have exact directions they panic extremely, basically anything open ended they can't do because they're so scared of making the wrong choice and so scared that making the wrong choice will result in people getting angry and yelling at them and punishing them.
they can't help it, they know about all of this, i've been trying to help them get better by being a good friend to them, but i don't have exact directions for them to follow to make it better.
i know the prerequisites, i know that their parents are the cause of all this, i know the reason they fear everything is because they want to hope that if they do everything exactly as their parents say then there won't be as many negative consequences, i know that they even internalized that they'll never be good enough and that they can never do anything right and that their parents will never not be mad at them but i also know the thing they truly want is for their parents to accept them and i feel so bad that i can't figure out how to help them accept that'll never happen.
i know their parents are narcissists. there's so much evidence of this, i know their parents will never accept them, i know their parents will never not be mad at them, i know their parents will never stop turning even the slightest issues into huge fights, i know their parents will never stop hating them and punishing them and treating them like nothing but an inconvenience.
i don't know how to get this through to them. it hurts them so bad that whenever i try to tell them, they dissociate and just completely lose the ability to think. i know how important this is to them and i know how much they want to wish that their parents can be good people but i also know that their parents simply aren't good people and there is nothing they can do to help their parents.
because they are this way, they feel like nobody else will be their friend. they can't seem to form stable attachments. they can't even form only slightly disordered attachments. whenever someone seems to accept them, that someone become their favorite person, but if absolutely anything happens, they can flip instantly to super depressed and hopeless, and i really wish that it didn't have to be this way...
they repress everything because of their parents and their response to any complicated situation is to completely shut down, they are constantly consumed by so much negative emotion that they are always panicking and apologizing and begging us not to leave even if we only have to go for an hour. it makes us feel so bad to have to leave or even really have any life at all because we want to be there for them more and we really wish that they had a better support network but right now as it is we are their only safe space and any time we are not there is a time we are leaving them to the mercy of their parents...
i don't know what to do. i want to help this person. i want to help them so much and i love them and i want to support them and help them be happy but they're too far away for me to physically save them from their abusive home and right now their parents being a part of their life is directly preventing them from getting better mentally as long as there is someone who really does get so angry from the tiniest possible mistakes.
please help me help them. i don't know what to do. they're so dependent on us that they're too afraid to make any other friends. they're so dependent on us that if we have to go or have to sleep or anything they get so depressed. i know it's not just a guilt trip because they genuinely feel this way and it hurts us so much to hurt them (we have BPD as well) but i don't know how to help this situation. i don't know how to help them be more confident in themselves and i don't know how to help them take back the free will that their parents took from them.
please help me
-vicuna