Nmom wants my liver, doc told me I should risk the surgery since I don't have kids
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/ddkdp5/nmom_wants_my_liver_doc_told_me_i_should_risk_the/) ~ Oct 5 2019 ~ by u/PlasticCaterpillar6 in r/raisedbynarcissists
Let´s see if I can keep this short and sweet.
When I was a kid, my mom was a pretty awful parent to me and my siblings. Resentful, a bit of a bully, never hugged any of us, and mainly told us how we ruined her life. You get the picture. I moved out at 17 to keep my sanity.
I’m 28 now and never had much of a relationship with her after moving out, as she never once admitted that she had done some really fucked up shit to us.
My sister is married and got two kids, my brother is divorced with 3 kids.
I got a call from the hospital, that my mom managed to drink her liver out of order and need a transplant. All of us siblings were found to be a match. My sister and brother, once they realized that cutting out a part of your liver is’t risk free, backed out. I was told that I have something called situs inversus, meaning my organs are abnormally placed, and that it would make the risk of surgery higher for me. 4% risk of death within two weeks of surgery, and higher risk of other awful shit happening. And of course, a 100% guarantee that my mother will drink that liver away too.
Now EVERYONE, the doctor, my mom, my siblings, everyone, is telling me I should do it, because I don’t have kids, so who cares if the risk is high. This pissed me off. My family never valued my lifestyle, as I decided not to do the life script. I bought a cabin in the wilderness in the north and work from home, so I rarely have to leave my lovely little hideaway. I make enough money to live the life I always dreamed off, but apparently that does not count since I don’t want kids. And my mom, who never cared if I lived or died, suddenly think she deserves my liver because she gave birth to me. The fact that she then spent 17 years bullying me is irrelevant because faaaamily, and “kids are a gift from god”. Fuck them all. The doctor said to me “well, it is an increased risk , but your mother needs a new liver and at least you don’t risk leaving children behind”. FUCK THAT. I was so stunned I forgot the entire Swedish language and just sat there. Whad did I just hear?! And who will care for my pets if I die? Mmm? And my mom. “I gave you life, you should do the same for me, after all I gave you my best years, raising you was no joke!” Yeah. She also gave me two fractured ribs and one time locked out out of the house in the middle of winter, and I had to smash a window with my hand to get in.
I can’t believe I even tried, that I agreed to be tested as a donor, as if she would have magically changed. I’m leaving the city tonight, taking the night train north and will hopefully be back in my cosy home tomorrow. When the doctor calls to hear my decision, I might not even pick up.
edit: view from my home, miss it so much, hopefully back there tomorrow! https://i.postimg.cc/yd5PGgFN/IMG-20190929-155138.jpg
[Update](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/dflz0m/update_nmom_wanted_liver_transplant_i_turned_her/) ~ Oct 10 2019
I just wanted to write a short update, as so many of you have been amazingly supportive.
I have spoken to the people involved; my mom, my siblings and the medical staff, and told everyone that I won’t donate a part of my liver to my alcoholic mother.
The doctor at the hospital where my mother was treated initially when her liver crashed, simply said “I understand, but that also means that I must inform you that you need to prepare to say good bye to her in a not very distant future”.
I might not particulary like my mother but I don’t wish death on anyone, so that sucks. But again, she drank her liver away. It took years of hard work to reach the place where she is now. She’s been to several clinics, gotten all sorts of help. She would stay until they stopped treat her abstinence with oxascand and then check out and start it all over again. So much of the tax payers money has been spent (and thrown away) on her, and she refuses to take any responsibility at all. It’s always the nurses or the doctors fault that she drinks – “they don’t give me the right treatment”. I think she would do the same to any donated liver. I told the doctor this.
My sister said that she understood, and now that things have had time to calm down a bit, she even said that she thinks it’s the right thing to do. My brother does not agree with my decision, and I told him that he can donate a nice slice of his own liver then, but then of course he tells me that’s he can’t, because he got kids and it’s too much of a risk for him to take. I, on the other hand, am obviously disposable .
And my mother. I almost can’t be bothered to type it out. I phoned her to tell her that she will not be getting my liver, and as expected she went from jovial to resentful by the drop of a hat.
Everything from “I’m your mother, you only get one mother” to “you must be there for family” was thrown at me. She even referred to the fact that I once risked my life for my dog, when she went through the ice on a frozen lake, but “you won’t do this for your mom?!”.
No. No I will not, actually. She tsaid many rather awful things, I guess I can understand that she is upset and scared, but even I got a limit at to how much of that shit I’m willing to stand - so eventually I just said that I am done and hung up. Not sure what to expect now, don’t really care either. I’m glad that my sister came around, perhaps my brother will if given time. Maybe not. Either way, I’m happy to have made my decision clear. Now that it’s done, I can get back to enjoying my life far from them all, in the comfort of my home and in the company of my awesome dogs.
Thanks to all of you who have shown interest, given support and cheered me on, it meant the world to me.
Edit: some asked to see my doogs, here they are https://postimg.cc/DmyCcLB5/a84abb1e
The spaniel is my hunting buddy and lap warmer, very sweet girl. The sheltie mix is an agility dog that wasn't good enough at agility and ended up needing a new home, and ended up here. He will guard and herd my chickens and ducks.
#Reminder: I am not the original OP.