YouTube: Stop the "Burn It All Down" Spiral: Finding Peace in the Gray

I’ve been thinking a lot about black-and-white thinking lately.

I think there’s a reason it can feel so comforting, especially when you’re dealing with addiction, betrayal trauma, or both.

We want neat little boxes.

Good or bad. Safe or unsafe. Recovery or relapse. Forgive or don’t forgive. Stay or leave.

Because gray can feel like quicksand.

Gray means I might have to sit with discomfort for a while. I might have two completely conflicting feelings at the same time. I might have to accept that I don’t have all the information yet.

And my brain does not always appreciate that. 😂

Give me an Excel spreadsheet with neatly labeled columns and some data, and I’m a happy lady. Give me complicated emotions that refuse to stay in their assigned cells? Rude much?

But I’ve realized that a lot of my recovery and healing has happened in that gray area.

I can love someone and still know a relationship isn’t healthy for me.

I can forgive something and still not be okay with what happened.

I can be okay with not forgiving, accepting what happened, and letting it go.

I can have a difficult day without deciding I’ve lost all my progress.

Someone can struggle without that automatically meaning everything is doomed.

And a tool that works great for someone else might do absolutely nothing for me.

I recorded a [podcast/video](https://youtu.be/0h7pRsQb-v8) about this and somehow managed to involve Excel spreadsheets, chessboards, syrup-drenched waffles, oil changes, relapse, betrayal trauma, emotional sobriety, and the “burn it all down” response. 😂

But underneath all of that is something I’ve had to learn over and over:

Recovery and healing don’t fit very well into neat little boxes like I wanted them to.

There’s a whole lot of stuff between “everything is fine” and “burn it all down.”

And I think learning to live in that space has given me a lot more freedom.

If you’re interested, I talk more about what helped me move away from either/or thinking in the [video/podcast](https://youtu.be/0h7pRsQb-v8). I also share four tools that I’ve used when my brain really, really wants everything to have a simple answer.

And if you’re looking for more tools and exercises, I have the ACTION chapter from my workbook available for free here:

[https://bookendsofrecoveryandhealing.com/bookends-of-recovery-and-healing-workbook-digital#freechapter](https://bookendsofrecoveryandhealing.com/bookends-of-recovery-and-healing-workbook-digital#freechapter)

You can also take a look at the full workbook there and see if it’s a good fit for you.

Sending positive vibes your way,

Laura