Reworking the divisions of the Big Ten: Lawyers and Lovers.
The temporary move away from East/West was exciting, but ultimately failed for one reason: no one can remember the difference between “Legends” and “Leaders.” Alexander the Great, Spartacus, General McArthur, Mike Riley? All legends. All leaders. Too confusing!
Today I propose to reconfigure the Big Ten to reflect more exciting and memorable division names. I start from these two lines of reasoning:
1) To not be confusing, the divisions must be mutually exclusive.
2) All of humanity can be divided into two groups with no overlap: human beings capable of feeling love, and lawyers.
Accordingly, I give you the Big Ten reborn. The Big Ten: Lawyers and Lovers. Based on how good the schools are at creating unloving liability-bots, here are your new divisions:
**LAWYERS:**
* Michigan Law Rank: 8 * Northwestern Law Rank: 11 * Minnesota Law Rank: 20 * Wisconsin Law Rank: 27(tie) * Iowa Law Rank: 27(tie) * Indiana Law Rank: 32(tied) * Ohio State Law Rank: 32(tied)
**LOVERS:**
* Illinois Law Rank: 37 * Maryland Law Rank: 49 * Rutgers Law Rank: 74(tied) * Penn State Law Rank: 74(tied) * Nebraska Law Rank: 80 * Michigan State Law Rank: 88 * Purdue Law Rank: Unranked/online only school
**Existing Rivalries:**
But what about existing rivalries? Tough cookies. As with so many lawyers ripping apart formerly loving marriages, division realignment has ripped apart your now-toxic squabbling. Enjoy playing each other occasionally in cross-division play, now known as the Alimony Bowls.
**Parity/Recruiting:**
This plan will work wonders for parity in the two divisions. Attending university’s branded as “Lovers” will undoubtedly attract better and better recruits, who are all horn-ball high schoolers. This is help improve conference play generally, salvaging those programs with the most difficulty competing: Illinois, Maryland, Rutgers, Purdue, and Nebraska. But won’t Lawyers division recruiting suffer? No. I anticipate they will use their superior legal trickery into binding recruits to commitments they did not even know they were signing.
**Expansion:**
Perhaps the best part of this new scheme is the strong message it sends on expansion. Maryland borders Virginia, a state that contains not only a fabulous law school (UVA), but also *is for lovers!* Where will they go if they ask to join the conference?? Perhaps low ranked Lawyers division teams will seek the admission of higher ranked law school university’s so that they can move into the Lovers league. No one knows! That expansion drama is part of building an enjoyable and sustainable entertainment product.