Breaking Point

Guys, I have fought the good fight for 50 years.

But I have reached my breaking point. Had a career that I loved. Had to take physically easier work. Then finally could not work anymore. That was 10 years ago. Since then I treated being a patient as my job. I easily spend 20 hours a week trying to manage my health care. But I can't do that anymore. The pain and exhaustion have increased to the point I cannot manage to do that.

This has also overwhelmed my ability to care for myself. It's been more than a week since I have showered or changed clothes. My house is so filthy that there are starting to be bugs.

Back in September, I quit pain management. Not because my pain was manageable, but because I could not participate in that system anymore. Now out of it, I can see just how abusive the US pain management system is. Yes I am in more pain, so my physical health took a hit. But my mental and emotional health are 10X better.

Still my exhaustion and fatigue continue to increase. My blood pressure has been uncontrolled since I had Covid 1.5 years ago. I also recently had issues with bowel/bladder incontinence in February of this year. I had melanoma, Stage 3, 10 years ago. And multiple early stage melanomas since then. (I'm going to stop here. This paragraph could go on for a long time.)

I have repeatedly asked my providers for assistance. I asked them to prioritize the things that they wanted me to do because I was physically unable to do them and unable to afford them. They have not done this. Each time, I actually have wound up with more new things that they want added to the list rather than a shorter list.

Yesterday I spent the morning on the phone with various "help" lines. Calmly asking for help. I may have quietly shed a few tears. I did not swear or yell. But I was repeatedly told, either there's nothing they can do, or they transfer me and I get disconnected. So there's no help there for me.

After I struck out on the phone, I made an emergency appointment at my PCP for today. I am going to try to explain this to her. I am not hopeful that she will be able to really do anything.

As I said, leaving pain management helped me to see how abusive it is. But now I see very similar things throughout the US for-profit healthcare. My doctor will have a whopping 15minutes allocated to help me today. My fear of course that they will try to put me on a mental health hold.

But the thing is I am not suicidal. I will not intentionally harm myself. But if I do not receive some help today, I am going to stop participating in the US health care system. Not because I want to, but because I do not have the strength and energy to continue. I will stop taking all medications; asthma, high BP, autoimmune, all. I will not be going to any future appointments or screening. I will create a very detailed DNR and advance directive that eliminates care.

If/when I die, I am at peace with that. A psychologist might call that passive suicide. But honestly when I think about dying, I feel a sense of acceptance, and when I think about not going to doctors appointments I feel a sense of control that my life has been without for a very long time.

My only worry is my dog. I live alone. I worry what will happen to her if something happens to me. She is old, and I thought I would be here for her. Now I am worried I won't be. That somehow she'll get abandoned in the house alone.