After a Sexless Marriage

I've been 6 months out of my sexless marriage and I've learned a lot about what was happening inside.

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I loved my wife, we were together for almost 18 years. My marriage started with a strong sex attraction, that dwindled rapidly after our first son. My wife spent the entirety of our marriage lamenting a sexual assault from her 18th birthday, this plagued our marriage bed. I tried to help her past it. I was patient and we tried to go slow, but in the end after countless time in therapy, she never progressed.

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This was only the beginning of what was wrong with my marriage. My wife suffered from clinical depression, and slowly stopped helping around the house. She wouldn't do laundry, dishes or cook. She stopped helping with the kids and wouldn't respond to my suggestions that she'd help. Finally, she started smoking. I tried nicely, then I was mean. I tried a lot of different ways to talk to her but I would at best get a few weeks of minimal help before going to my previous existence.

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Over the course of 18 years, my mindset changed I started as helpful. Then I was hopeful, working to help my wife resolve issues so then we could figure out the sexless marriage together and be happy. Finally, I was resigned to just being there, living a miserable existence. I was there to do what my wife needed and to take care of our kids and the house and provide. My wife was using me, not intentionally, but she didn't want sex, specifically not with me. She left me because I had become a resentful person. I was no longer nice, I was no longer happy, I no longer wanted to be with my wife but didn't know that I could leave. It feels stupid now, I wasted at least 5 years knowing that there was nothing between us.

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After it was over I talked with my family and friends. They all knew they all had seen it on my face for years. My parents had silently watched me in my misery. What I remember most is my mom telling me "Not all abuse is physical." If you are in a sexless marriage and your partner is neglecting you outright, leave! Neglect leaves you feeling worthless, has you questioning your sanity and leaves you with no one to talk too.

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Staying in a sexless marriage hurts more than you. My parents, my brother and sister, my friends, and most importantly my children were subjected to my misery. They had to put up with my moods. They watched me and wondered when it would end. Why wouldn't I leave? When I did my children started doing better in school, their behaviors improved, and I spent more time happy with them.

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I've started dating my best friend. She was someone that was always there for me. When I'm with her I feel like I matter. I feel like she cares and that she wants to be with me. She is moving from hours away to live with me. You deserve to be loved and to feel good. Make sure if you're in a sexless marriage it is one worth saving.