1 year ago we had “The Talk”
I wanted to send a perspective a year out from having the talk, hopefully this gives some comfort for those in the thick of it. It can get better, obviously everyone’s situation is different and I am aware that some people a year out are still in the thick of the tension and ugliness. This is a novel, just a warning. TLTR synopsis is this is my personal experience and perspectives over the last year and how we are now legally divorced and kept it affordable and as amicable as could be expected.
In my situation, there was no abuse or safety concerns so we opted to live together as we went through the divorce. I hope that it was helpful for the kids to see the transition in our marital relationship and that we were still committed to being parents to them. After the talk we went through the emotional stages, denial, begging, anger, etc. Thankfully most of it happened outside of the presence of the kids, not all of it though. We had a huge blowout (yelling) about 2 months later which scared the kids so we opted to tell them that night, we were past the anger from the fight when we told them. We used the fight as an example when explaining to them that we couldn’t be married anymore because we “fought too much”, we didn’t go into details because we didn’t want to blame either parent in the eyes of the kids. Thankfully my EXH was open to working with me, I know not all spouses are this reasonable to deal with, I was lucky considering he didn’t want the divorce.
We already had separate beds before the talk so this wasn’t out of nowhere, the relationship had been breaking down for years. I’d been asking for things to change for years and he ignored it hoping it would go away. I respect that I am not the easiest person to deal with either, I have my stuff I am working on too. Anyway the divorce was sadly a natural progression of where WE had let the relationship get to, it was past the point of therapy. A relationship is successful when 2 people work on it together, we never had that.
After we told the kids, we lived together for 8 more months, we agreed that neither would date while we cohabited, a year out neither one of us is dating either. I am choosing not to date because I just got out of a 15yr relationship and need to be independent and figure out what I want in my life and what I want my future to look like. On top of that is still helping the kids adjust to their new lives with 2 homes and different rules etc. I personally feel that they deserve the focus and attention, my “free time” without them is best spent on improving my self or getting my stuff done so I can focus on them more when they are with me. I am lonely at times and feel starved for physical contact but I’d rather deal with that than succumb to it and get stuck in another unsatisfying relationship when I am not ready and they probably wouldn’t be the right person for me in the long term. My life tip is using a weighted blanket to sleep at night, it helps satisfy some of the need for feeling snuggled.
6 months after the talk we got to a point where we agreed that tensions were mounting and it was best for us to move forward with the process of filing. I was trying to give him time and space to work through his emotions and it felt like it was mistaken for permissiveness for him to take his anger out on me, he would snap at anything I said to him. My way of not engaging was ignoring and not responding, the silent treatment isn’t effective either. Our relationship dynamic changed once we started discussing how material items and time with the kids would be separated, it’s like we became grateful for any compromise the other one was willing to make so it made us both more respectful of each other.
Luckily our state has an online filing option with a template for amicable divorces so we were able to forgo the expensive lawyers fees and only pay a filing fee that was under $500 dollars. We filed and saw the judge 2 months later, he moved out at that time too. We had a 15 minute hearing and the judge accepted the agreement and we received official papers 2 months later. I feel there is less tension because we both kind of got what we wanted in the end. There are still tense moments but I remind myself that I don’t make the rules for his house and he doesn’t make them for mine, as long as the kids are safe physically and emotionally then it’s none of my business to tell him what to do. If you read this far you are a champ! I didn’t realize how long I would ramble for.