After 20 years of being snubbed and excluded from in-law family photos, I put my foot down today at their family Xmas party

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In the early years of my marriage, JustMaybeMIL would take photos of me with my husband and small children. Photos of JNSIL and whoever she was with at the time (2 divorces plus two broken engagements since I've been around) and her kids. And a pic with all the grandkids. She also always made a point to have photos of her, FIL, and her own three kids. At some point early on, MIL stopped taking posed photos that included me but still would take photos of SIL and her family then eventually BIL (who is much younger than SIL and DH) and his girlfriend. I started complaint to DH, heavily. But he has no spine when it comes to his family.

There's been other instances of snubbing and exclusion that I've pointed out over the years but he was never around to see it. First time he noticed SIL literally ignore me when I spoke to her was 12 years. I said something to her, she obviously heard me, and she turned around and walked away. Later, he told me he saw. That he saw what she did and wanted me to know he finally saw it. Did he ever do anything about it? No. Why? Because "do you think she'll actually change?" No. But that really isn't the point.

SIL has 4 children, two of whom are in their mid-20s, and two teens still at home. For the longest time,none of her kids liked me. In the past few years, I've grown close to her two adult daughters. Niece(25) and niece(24) Found out things she would say about me when they were kids. ( That deserves its own post. Let's just call it racism plus cultural appropriation. It's soooooo weird) Niece(25) apologized to me a couple of years ago. Her and her partner lived several hours away in a college town. My oldest was interested in the school and wanted to do a visit. Niece(25) invited us to stay with her while we were in town. The first night is when she apologized. Her partner had asked her about me. He said, "I've met your family but I don't really know much about Aunt ladyelliott. You don't ever talk about her and you talk about your family all the time. Tell me about her." That's when my niece realized I was the Meg(Griffin) of the family. I'm treated less than. Niece(25) treated me horribly for years and her mother never told her to stop. She was mortified and super apologetic. I told DH when I got home from the trip as validation of what I've been saying for years. Since that weekend, both adult nieces have confided in me about issues with their mom. And I've started talking to them about my issues. One thing I've brought up was not being included in family photos and how much it hurt. Last Christmas BIL and his wife was in town (he's now married and in the military). SIL wanted to take a photo of her, other SIL, and niece(24) They had to all walk past me to get to the spot where the photo was going to be taken. Niece(24) sees me and says, "What about ladyelliott?" She took me by the wrist and led me over to the others. JNSIL played it off like,"Oh, yeah! Gotta have ladyelliott!" I've also started being honest with my own children (19,18,12)about what's been going on over the years. They have a very close relationship with JNSIL but they're all at an age where they need to know while she's great to them, she isn't to me. I've talked about the snubbing, the ignoring, the passive aggression. Not to try to ruin their relationship with her, but to give them a broader view. I've learned a lot reading this sub. One of them is, don't give them the pretty pictures. I told niece(24) last month that I greatly appreciated her including me last year. That I had gone home and cried because I was actually included in some silly photos. I realized I had more self respect than that. Because of my self-respect, that I would no longer be participating in family photos. She completely understood. I told DH the same thing. On the rare occasion I'm asked to participate, I will decline. He said ok. Today, family Xmas was at JNSIL since she has the most space. I spent the time hanging out with niece(25), her partner, and her baby. The rest of the fam was playing board games in the dining room. (I wasn't excluded. I've been very sick this month and still on the mend. I sat it out because of exhaustion.) They finished up and all came to the living room and DH sat next to me on the couch. All of the grandkids were told to stand in front of the Xmas tree for their photo... And niece's(25) partner was included. I thought, oh yeah. I'm not doing family photos. Not that I'll be asked. After the grandkid photo, MIL asked if I wanted my kids to take a photo. I did so I told DH to go take it. So he told our kids to go stand in front of the tree. Niece (25) said, "Get all of them." MIL and SIL were like, "Yeah. All of them." So DH patted my hand and said, "Ok, let's go." I said no. He said it again. I said no again. He said, "Come on." I shook my head and said no again. He paused, patted my hand, then said ok. Got up and walked to the tree. Niece(25) asked, "Aren't you going to take a picture?" Y'all, with my voice shaking with 20 years of hurt, I said, "No. I don't take photos with this family. I haven't in a very long time so I'm not going to start now. I won't give them pretty pictures" I actually said it loud enough for everyone to hear! Everything stopped. MIL chimed in, "Well, no. But isn't this your family right here?" Don't you want a photo with them?" I shook my head and looked away. Here's the thing. SHE FREAKING ADMITTED IT! She admitted I'm intentionally left out! I thought that would be the end of it but then DD(18) thought she was going to help include me and quietly insisted that I take the photo. No matter how many times I said no, she kept pushing. Niece(24) started to tell her to leave me alone. DD kept going. Then niece (25) started to tell her to stop. I finally pushed back hard and shut her down. So she went back to the Christmas tree and had her photo taken. After photos niece(25) stepped outside for a cigarette. We've started a thing where I'll go out and chat with her while she smokes. As I was getting my boots on, DD19 hugs me and tells me I should have taken the photo with them. I know both her and her sister mean well. I know they look at it as screw the rest of them. We deserve to have photos together. I told her no. That I was done and this is my boundary. I'm not going to let the in-laws act like it's all ok. They've made it clear that I'm not included so I will not be included. Funny side note: Nephew(15), SIL's youngest, came up and hugged me after I came back in. He didn't say anything but gave me a long hug. I guess he got the memo from someone on what was going on. He's dealt with an abusive stepmother and edad. He knows how hard it is to speak up on your own behalf. I wound up leaving the party a couple hours after that. I needed to go home and rest. So DH drove me home and I low key read him the riot act. I said "I realize that you'll never say anything to your mom and sister but it would have been nice if you had called our daughter off of me." He said nothing. So I repeated myself. He said ok. So I continued with, I was trying to not make it more than it needed to be and she made it much more." Him "If I had said something, it would have made it even more) Me "Not if you had stepped in sooner." Him "I didn't know what to do." Me "You know exactly what to do. But you want to please everyone. You can't, though. It's impossible. You should of backed me up in this, at least with our daughter." I ended it with, according to Reddit, you're supposed to decline all photos. You're supposed to decline them taking photos of you and photos of our kids." Him "Well, Reddit does get somethings wrong." Me "Yes, but not this. You're supposed to be with me on this. If I'm in the wrong, if I'm being unreasonable, call me on my shit. But we're married and you're supposed to be on MY side when I'm in the right." He quietly agreed. I got out of the car and walked into my house. Will he do anything different? Probably not. Will his family change? Nope. But my success is speaking up for myself and loud enough to be heard. My success is creating a boundary and enforcing it. My success is I got MIL to admit that she intentionally excludes me. So where do I go from here? When I say I won't be in any family photos, I mean any. Someone gets married? Nope. BIL and SIL come to visit and they want to do couples photos of my husband, his siblings, and the three spouses? Nope. I'm not family and those are for people in the family. I've opted out and they can suck it