I Miss You, Dad.
its been 4 years now, soon to be 5. when you died I cried once. At first I shut down. I was a zombie for two weeks, i knew it was coming. you'd been sick for so long and by the time I was old enough to really know you you had already faded fromthe person you were. the last time I saw you smile was watching monty python with me. your favorite.
you sold all your guitars. you didn't care about music anymore. all things you loved didn't matter to you anymore except me. you gave me 500 dollars of your last social security check and left me a few grand in life insurance that I used chasing dreams that failed at every turn.
You believed in pre destination. that we were all playing parts cast for us. that whatever path I was walking was one set for me. that yours was set for you. Because of this you were always proud and always trie dto understand me even though other people didn't. you saw that I just didn't fit in with normal life, normal society, normal everything else. you were like me. I was like you and people never understood us well. they didn't understand that we could be confused by ourselves, that we don't mean to be cold but that we don't know how to be warm. I'm slowly learning to feel again, to let others help. I wish you had done that more, that you had pushed against your nature like I'm learning. I cant judge you. I can't. I can wish. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. You made your choices.
I remember waking up in your house to big orange sign that hadn't been ther ebefore. "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" I knew then that was it. There was no choice. no more hope. that it was all about the moments now. That soon you would exit stage left and the res tof the cast would keep playing- just like you thought it would. That whatever path I was walking was the one made for me. No matter wher eit lead me. i was always your child. You never judged me. I can't judge you.
You said "wherever you go, there you are." mom said it was th eonyl thing you said that ever made sense. that the past was the past and the future was the future and that this moment is all you can do. you can't change the past and you can't control the future no matter how hard you plan or try. Failures weren't failures to you, just a change in direction. a lesson to be learned. Your lesson ended. I got to talk to you one last time but I never said goodbye. I aid I loved you, i told you everything in my life, but I didn't say goodbye. that night mom told me you had passed while I was at class.
I gorged myself on pasta and was a zombie for two weeks. i broke down. i lost my job. everything fell apart for so long.
now I'm trying to change my direction. I dont know if there is a path set for me like you thought. I only kno that theres one destination, and thats death. the scenic route is everything inbetween. good and bad. no past. no future.
there will never be another 6/27/2018 just as there will never be another 6/26/2018 or another 6/25/2018 and so forth.
These days happen once. opening and closing each book. even every second that passes will not be exactly the same as the one that came before it. I wish we had gotten to talk about this before you left. It might have changed how I saw things, it might have gotten me to seek help sooner. To enjoy my scenic route and not forget it. block it out. ignore it. even if I don't like the scenery. I should bother at least taking a look.
You weren't perfect. you did lots of bad things too. but you thought that was your path. I don't know if its an excuse but I guess what is the world except what we perceive it to be. at least on an individual scale. how could you be certain anything is what it actually was. I think you couldn't answer that question...so you didn't bother asking it. not to anyone or even yourself. Your heart and your gut were the only things you could trust because nobody around you had ever been trustworthy growing up. you followed those right to your grave even if they dind't cause your death they made it worse.
I think about you now more than ever. You believed there would be something waiting for you on the other side, or at least you wanted to believe that. I hope that theres something for you. even if I can't believe. In the back of my mind I can wish to be proven wrong. The dead don't feel pain... But I do. Now you don't have anymore pain, and I'll feel it for you. I won't forget it, i can't forget it. Its like since you died all I can feel is dying. I always felt like I was living my life in a clear bubble. able to talk, to see, to touch the outside world through a film, and since you've died, it feels more like I'ma ghost or an alien. maybe this is why you felt the way you did. Maybe this is why you stopped fighting. I don't know if it will ever end.
I love you. I miss you. I really hope that there can be peace.
From your loving Daughter,
ScooterBunny