I don’t know how I’m going to survive…

This is going to be long AF, my preemptive apologies, but I have nowhere else to go with this :(

Basic background: I’m originally from Iowa. Born, raised, the lived there until I was 32 and then I moved to SoCal, mostly Oxnard/Ventura area. For the last 4 years I’ve been in LA. Also, 25 years ago I worked at Cedar Point in Sandusky OH and basically had a coming of age, life altering summer there.

Back to current time, but I’m beyond over living in LA and CA in general, and I badly have a desire to move to Sandusky. The me who moved to CA 14 years ago would think I was crazy for thinking that, but oh well. I’ve loved CA and even LA, until I didn’t and now I just want out.

I have looked into transferring with work to Sandusky (senior manager at a big chain movie theater), but due to the slowness of the location there, they can’t take me. I even reached out to other locations near Sandusky, including ones that would involve a 1.5 hour commute, in winter weather, and no luck. I’ve applied to jobs that are NOT with my current company and still nada.

At this point I am so frustrated at not being able to leave where I currently am, that I just want to scream. I cry all the time now, in my depression at being stuck. My only options are to stay stuck in HelLA or move back to Iowa, which is as equally mentally damaging as staying in LA is, but I don’t have any options. I need a job to move. Moving back to Iowa is failure and giving up, as well as losing some things that I simply can’t get there (but I can get in Sandusky/OH). I also felt trapped in Iowa before I moved out here too, so i mentally can’t go back or that will be the same thing. I’m not willing to live hours away from Sandusky either, since being super close to Cedar Point is a must for me. The reasons for that are personal but very important to me, and being 5 hours away from the park won’t work.

On top of all of that, I have ADHD (and perimenopause-age 46), which greatly hinders my job search and what kinds of jobs I feel confident that I can do. I can’t do office jobs or anything that requires no mistakes or no forgetfulness, because I will fail. I also can’t do nursing, contracting, education, etc, which are the majority of the jobs available because I don’t have the training nor am I interested. I’m also not good at anything that relies heavily on commission/sales numbers to keep employed. Again, I would fail. My current work location is also toxic, due to the favoritism that is happening, but again, I can’t quit because of financial reasons, nor do I want to find another job when I just want to leave the state completely. I’ve been with this company for a total of 20+ years and 15 consecutively currently, so I have a lot of history that would make it easy to transfer if I was able to.

My depression is through the roof and I just feel completely trapped. It’s a total “between a rock and a hard place” situation to which I feel I will never escape. I feel like I’m going to explode. Nothing is working for me in LA, but it won’t in Iowa either. I’m just a mess of a person with no way out that doesn’t fuck my mental health or wallet more than it already has. I deeply feel Sandusky is where I’m meant to be, but I can’t get there. I feel like an idiot who can’t do anything right, who messes everything up, can’t be responsible with my money, and I have completely failed as an adult and human. I also can’t talk to anyone IRL nor can I afford therapy. I don’t know how I’m going to survive feeling like a person and not a robot.

If you made it to the end, thank you.