The Philosophical Side of Being Transgender (from an AMAB)
I constantly find myself thinking about the philosophical side of gender and the state of being transgender. Gender segregation is ubiquitous, and is silently discriminatory to an incredible degree. By using the word discriminatory, I don't use it in a negative context, but to reference the differences in life apart from inequality found on an economic and opportunity level.
And as someone who is transgender, or questioning their state of being transgender, what is it exactly that constitutes *being* the other gender?
I can wear a tank top and panties to bed, and feel fulfilled and euphoric in the sense that I am fulfilling my identity as a woman when I wake up in the morning. However, I can wear these same items outside and around the world underneath my clothes, and will be left feeling empty, suppressed, and unfulfilled. I find that the desire for something *more* exists in these moments, but to what quantity and quality remains to be seen. It stands to reason then, at least to me, that to fulfill my identity as a woman (or as a man for AGAB), the qualifiers that must be met are to a degree *situational*.
When I began HRT, I found that again in small settings the needs of my identity felt fulfilled. But in larger settings such as workplaces and public spaces, being on HRT alone failed to rectify the incongruence I had between my gender identity and my assigned gender, and more transition actions were needed on my part.
There's a perplexing duality to the state of being transgender, and gender as a whole. There's the individual aspect, which finds its footing amongst close acquaintances and private moments, and who's needs are more easily met. But then there's the public aspect, which demands more of a person in terms of gender.
Pulling from the stories and experiences of transgender people, the needs of each aspect of this duality change as age increases. As one grows older, the needs of the public aspect both increase and multiply in complexity. This is perhaps due to the lifestyles of each respective gender widening their differences between each other. As a side note, key ages from my observation seem to be +/- two years, ages 16, 18, 25, 30, 45, and 55. These age periods represent key moments in human societal growth– from entering the world as an adult identity (18), to beginning life outside of collegiate studies and finding footing as a self-sufficient individual (25), the arbitrary importance placed on "turning thirty" (30), the onset of midlife crises (45/55), and looking forward to retirement and entering the last decade in our chosen public environment (55).
Many argue that gender is purely a social construct, and that we are moving towards a gender-absent society. But this does not account for the relationship to gender on a private and individual level. You can never have a coin with one side.
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Personally, I am at a point where I am battling with what steps I need to take in order to fulfill my own duality. I referenced beginning HRT in my thoughts, and I ended up stopping, detransitioning, and moving away due to strong resistance in the public aspect of my gender identity. For a while, recognizing my gender in its private aspect sufficed to meet my needs. As I've found myself growing older, the little things I did to identify myself in private now fail to fulfill me, and the desire to be recognized publicly as my gender identity has grown. I have also just turned 25, right in line with one of the key ages, and have noticed my perceived disparity between myself and those living as my identified gender has increased suddenly and distinctly.
I would love to hear your thoughts, additions, corrections, or objections.