Predictions for a Tom Sandoval Apology Video/Statement

There's no way he's going to just shut his mouth, right? Here's what I'm anticipating - a tearful video (if his lawyer and PR team and Crisis Management Response consultants allow it). With a carefully coiffed "emotionally disheveled" lewk courtesy of whomever is still willing to touch his face and hair, he will address the public in a quavering voice and artificially moistened eyes. His statement will go something like:

"These actions do not reflect my values or beliefs, or who I am as a person. That was not me that night - it was someone else who I do not even recognize. I'm distraught at the pain I've caused (weep weep sob sob dab dab) and am officially announcing that I will immediately be donating (random amount of money here) to a DV charity (which will never be named or mentioned again)."

"But I understand I need to do more than that, so I'm excited to announce that I am in discussions to found The Tom Sandoval Foundation For Tom Sandoval's Action Against Domestic Violence by Tom Sandoval starring Tom Sandoval - Tom Sandoval, President. I hope that the work the TSFFTSAADVBTSSTSP will do can make some difference to counter the horrific incidences of domestic violence that occur every day. Though there is more to the story of what happened that would probably completely exonerate me and prove that Victoria and her father were the real aggressors, I'm going to be the bigger person and answer for the highly edited and misleading home security video illegally leaked by the old man.

"If I have disappointed you and caused you to vomit, please know that was never my intention. I am committed to doing better, rather than simply being committed. And I'm excited to have the opportunity to prove to you that I am looking forward to trying to have the chance to attempt to imitate being a better person, and to make a substantial difference for women through my new non-profit organization TSFFTSAADVBTSSTSP."