Whoever decided outlets should be 12-inches off the floor was clearly unfamiliar with the concept of a human toddler

Twelve inches off the floor? That's not just reachable, that's highlighted. That’s the toddler equivalent of putting a glowing, beeping “Push Me!” button right at eye level and saying, “No no sweetie, that’s not for you to put your toungue on.” And what do they do? They immediately make it their life’s mission to explore it with every object that shouldn't be involved contact with electrical current: Cutlery, toys, their own anatomy, literally anything they can manipulate with their pudgy little peanut butter cover fingers.

I’ve had to throw out every lamp in the house. Floor lamps, table lamps, even the cute little nightlight shaped like a bear. Why? Because to my son, those aren’t sources of light. They’re towers to be toppled, cords to be yanked, personal Everest expeditions waiting to be conquere. Skull fractures, strangulation hazards, and crispy fried electrified be damned!

And let’s talk about those so-called “child-proof” outlet covers. Lies!!! Pure marketing bullshit. They might stop a baby but not a toddlers. Two-year-olds are basically tiny safe-crackers with sticky hands and no concept of self preservation. My kid figured out how to pop them off with his own sock months ago and I'm sure could do it now with only the aid of a humble animal cracker like MacGyver in a prison break episode.

I spend all day walking around the house like a nervous bomb tech, just trying to stay one step ahead of a two-foot-tall demolition expert who thinks electricity is a snack.

You’d think we’d have evolved past this. We’ve got video doorbells that can recognize which neighbor's dog shit in the yard, thermostats that argue with you about if its hot, and refrigerators that tell you when the milk is sad. But somehow, the placement of outlets remains frozen in 1953. Maybe it’s time we admit that aesthetics are overrated. Building codes should require outlets to be installed six feet up the wall. Forget your clean baseboard lines and symmetry. Toddlers are not here for your mid-century design choices. They’re here to dance with death.