(Opinion piece) dating apps are a net negative)

Tldr at bottom

This is my opinion on dating apps. Please challenge it if you disagree. I'm genuinely interested in hearing different perspectives. The more controversial and provocative this gets, the better. Maybe someone can change my mind, because right now I can only see things one way.

I think dating apps, on the whole, have been a negative thing for dating.

Who are they a positive thing for? In my opinion, they're fantastic for very attractive people. They have lots of options and opportunities, and can potentially start a relationship without even leaving the sofa. To me, dating apps seem to have been built around this kind of experience.

For everyone else, especially men lower down the attractiveness scale, there's a sense of emptiness to the whole thing.

Everything revolves around appearance and, to a lesser extent, your texting ability. If a guy isn't especially good-looking, he may not realise that his match could be talking to several other men at the same time, deciding who she connects with best over messages. If she ghosts him, maybe she's chosen someone else. Maybe he was always the backup option and her preferred match finally replied.

Because of that, I'd argue that if you do match with someone, you should arrange a date as soon as reasonably possible. The longer you spend messaging, the more opportunities there are for someone else to get ahead. You could be an amazing partner in person, but if you aren't great at texting, you'll lose out before you've even had the chance to meet.

I also think dating apps are slowly killing the organic side of dating. There are probably thousands of couples who would have ended up together if they'd met naturally. Attraction often grows over time. You spend time together, realise you're compatible, and feelings develop. Those relationships become much less likely when everything starts with swiping based largely on photos.

Instead, people go on dates with people they're physically attracted to but have no idea whether they'll actually click with. Personally, I don't subscribe to the idea that you can really know someone through messages alone.

I'll try to find research to support this, but I'd be surprised if the success rate from first date to long-term relationship wasn't lower for dating apps than for couples who met in real life. My theory is that more first dates go nowhere, and more relationships break down because they were built primarily on attraction rather than compatibility. There are also people, like me, who aren't naturally good at messaging but communicate much better face to face. Dating apps create another barrier for those people.

I also think they're especially difficult for less attractive men because one of their biggest strengths—the ability to win someone over in person—is largely removed. In real life, looks matter, but they aren't everything. On an app, they're often the first and biggest filter. That can knock people's confidence and motivation. Telling someone "just use dating apps" feels like advice that mainly benefits people who already do well on them.

At the same time, I think dating apps reduce the incentive for people to put themselves out there in real life, which means even fewer organic opportunities to meet someone.

For many average men, the experience becomes a long cycle of ghosting, matches that never reply, or conversations that go nowhere.

I've spoken to older couples who genuinely believe they wouldn't have ended up together if they'd grown up in today's dating culture. They weren't especially outgoing and happened to meet through circumstances that gave attraction time to develop. They also accepted that neither of them was perfect physically, but valued things like humour, kindness and compatibility instead.

Another thing I wonder is whether dating apps gradually condition people to have higher and higher standards. It's a bit like a slot machine. You might have a good match today, but what if an even better one is only one swipe away?

Maybe that's my own insecurity talking, but I'd personally be less likely to pursue someone who I felt was way out of my league because I'd assume they could replace me almost instantly with someone else.

I'm also tired of hearing "just join clubs, the gym or hobby groups." In my experience, a lot of the people giving that advice haven't actually relied on those places to meet a partner. If you're single, only have a couple of friends who've settled down, work in a job where dating isn't really appropriate, and you're not especially attractive, it can feel like you're completely stuck.

Sometimes I wonder if we've accidentally created our own form of natural selection. I think the number of people—especially men, but some women too—who reach middle age without marrying or having children will continue to rise. I already notice men in their 50s in that situation in my own life.

Personally, that's one of my biggest fears.

I'd genuinely like to hear where you think I'm wrong.

Tldr: dating apps are not good for the majority of people.