Poly Breakup
TW: rape, mental health, suicide attempt
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I've been polyamorous ever since I began dating at 15 - I'm 33 now. I have never broken up with any of my partners, only been broken up with - and if I'm being honest, I've never fallen out of love with any of my partners. I ended up in a toxic and drug abusive relationship at 18, which lead me to lose all of my friends before the relationship ended. By the time it did, all of my self worth and self esteem was wrapped up in that relationship, and I attempted suicide. I spent the next four years slowly pulling myself back together, at which point I began a three year relationship with a woman two years younger than me who I met on OKcupid. We shared trauma together (she was raped on an OKC date three months into our relationship), we dated in a triad with another partner for a year or two, then in the last year she entered into a relationship with a new partner and eventually left me to focus on that relationship. We remained close, and over our time together had integrated into a large poly community here in town, so I had support through this breakup, and after just three months I ended up entering into a relationship with a married poly woman I'd met through my ex's partner, and I am still in that relationship today after 7 and 1/2 years. She has two sons, and I've been a part of their family for as long as either of them can remember.
In December 2018, I began seeing a new partner, who was new to poly. Given that we came to know each other through the larger poly community I had mentioned, I assumed that they were fairly well versed on how polyamory worked, and while they seemed unwilling to develop anything more than a superficial connection with my existing partner, they were very supportive of my existing relationship, going as far as to help me shop for and wrap gifts for her. In May 2019, I went out for drinks with my ex from my 20s for her birthday, got too drunk to drive home, and had to crash at my ex's place on the couch. Sensing my new partner's discomfort with this scenario, I initially did not disclose some of the details of that encounter; and once I revealed what had occurred, our relationship was permanently damaged. It took years to rebuild that trust, but my friendship with my ex kept coming up as a source of grief; finally, in October of this year, my "new" partner of three years saw on my computer screen that I had been texting with my ex and left me. This had been the most loving, caring relationship I had ever been in; and over covid, due primarily to my partner's intense fear of the disease, I began withdrawing from my friends, my other married partner, and my community, placing all of my self worth and self esteem into that relationship. I even went as far as to move out of my house that I shared with friends I'd been living with for 10+ years in order to move into a place I thought my partner would be more inclined to visit. Now that it's over, my new partner refuses to see me, but we continue to text throughout the day. They seem to have moved on, or are making great efforts to; I, however, have refused to accept that our relationship could have ended over what I perceive to be so small a thing, and without any emotional or physical infidelity having occurred. I've been experiencing a full blown mental health crisis as a result, and have been unable to invest properly in my pre-existing relationship, with all of my thoughts being consumed by my most recent partner.
Today is my "new" partner's birthday; I finally found myself beginning to start coming to accept what has happened, and dropped off a bunch of their things for them outside their house - including a birthday present I got for them that they very much appreciated and thanked me for. I'm going up to spend the night with my married partner tonight, and I want so badly to be present for her and not be distracted, but I just can't seem to let this go. I know I need to stop messaging with my most recent partner, and they seem to be aware of this too, but I have no desire to. I haven't felt this broken up over a relationship ending since I was a teenager; I'm deeply in need of support, but after seeking support from my married partner about this, we both realized that was not appropriate, meaning my only meaningful source of support is my therapist who I talk to on the phone once a month for 45 minutes. What can I do to start letting go of this relationship?