Why do you drink?

I have been drinking almost every day for 4 years now. Every time I tried to quit I’d come right back to it sometimes worse than before.

I was barely hanging on a year ago when I began therapy for my CPTSD and read so many books about childhood trauma and abuse. Since then I’ve actually managed to reduce my overall drinking and no longer drink through the week.

I realized I was numbing inner fear and shame my “mom” never helped me learn to process and in many cases created and put in my child self so she could control me.

Now the illusion is gone and everytime I drink I think, “soothing and avoidance” because that’s what it did and what I was doing for years. I still drink sometimes because now I’m often overwhelmed with the work of raparenting myself and earning a living while having no family. I can’t believe every adult around me, family, teachers, church people, none of them helped me as a kid. This world allowed my “Mother” to take complete advantage of me until I somehow matured enough to see through the bs. I don’t drink as much anymore but damn, I don’t know if I can live without it sometimes. Someone got me at my most vulnerable and not only messed my life up but messed me up maybe beyond repair.

Has anybody else managed to figure out exactly why they drink? Or what really motivates their drinking? I don’t think I’d’ve made it out of the bottle at all had I not started looking more inward and doing Complex-PTSD therapy…

I do look forward to either never drinking or very rarely drinking one day. One day my life will be worth living.