I’m upset with myself

I went to a big conference this week in SF. Last year I blacked out at a partner event and had horrible anxiety about it / had a horrible day the next day taking meetings and I told myself no way in hell I’d repeat it. Good news, I didn’t, but what I did do really was stupid. I was very aware not to drink much or even at all most events. Went to bed by 1030 the first night, 940 the next night. The third night I’m like I’ll have a drink nbd. Then I met a very wealthy person who I got along with and because I’m looking for a new job, I let him continue to feed me drinks. I had told him I was looking and he kept saying, if you want my help you have to drink. And I knew that he wasn’t going to help me, like who would do that for a stranger, and I tried to drink slower and had a friend help me with the drinks. But I should have said no, and held my ground. I didn’t want to keep drinking. Past me would have just blacked out, but I ended up getting drunk. Nothing crazy. But I was so slow the next day (today), tired, and fucked up a meeting or two. Not a big deal I think, but not happy with myself and not proud of this.

And of course I’ll probably never see this guy again. Things are so bad at work I guess I wanted to believe this could be a way out but alcohol clearly clouded my judgement.

Mad at myself. Maybe I need to never drink another singular drink again. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I hate alcohol. It’s poison. ☠️

Edit: worth pointing out that this guy was drinking old fashioned back to back to back. Just like would chug it and get another one and me one. wtf. Like who does that. And why did he need to push me too. I even said “i can’t do this, if I lose my job you won’t help me” like. wtf. What kind of demon did I meet