had really bad urges again today

i didn't do anything, but had overwhelming urges to drink and to do other things. i felt paralyzed and frozen almost, super exhausted and as if i was being weighed down. i just laid there for 3-4 hours with these urges.

eventually got up and got out of it. i just journaled and really prayed about it.

i understand in a cognitive sense what's going on psychologically here, but that doesn't absolve the feelings.

i set a focus for tomorrow, to just do things that are good for me, to be even just a little better tomorrow.

to help anyone who may be feeling the same way, something that is really stopping me, is knowing what even greater pain i will go through if i drink. i know that if i relapsed & got back to rock bottom, if i was lucky, i'd have to recover. again. i know there is no temporary drinking. and although it's not perfect & i have to deal with heavy feelings, i love the life i've built so much, i just can't go back. and i do love myself too. i don't want to do this to myself.