My brother inspired me to get sober. He then drank himself to death.
My brother and I had very difficult upbringings. Admittedly, him more so than I. A very difficult relationship with our mother, with her divorcing our father when I was seven (him ten). She then committed suicide when I was twelve, brother 15.
Drinking and drugs were commonplace soon after. We were having fun and experimenting, sure. But hindsight is pretty clear: we were self medicating the trauma that had occurred in the years prior.
As you may have guessed, there were many troubles and incidents resulting. Fights, DUIs, family issues to name a few. My brother went to rehab twice, with the second time sticking. His ongoing sobriety inspired me to get sober as well. We shared in our experience and helped each other. We were both in good places; employed, practicing wellness, living satisfying, productive and happy lives.
A few years later my father, who had had drinking issues his whole life, died suddenly. Found dead at the bottom of the stairs by my stepmother. The details of the death remain unclear, however it is suspected by many (including me) that excessive drinking played a part. I’ll never truly know.
His death caused my brother to relapse. After years of hiding his drinking (he admitted to spiking his seltzers at family functions, one being my wedding) he came clean and admitted he was miserable while sober. The entire time, begrudgingly white-knuckling just to please his loved ones. At first I didn’t believe it; as someone who is also familiar with addiction, I was convinced this was his “little voice” rationalizing his return to drinking. Again, I’ll never know.
I soon after became a father to a beautiful baby girl. My daughter and my wife inspire me to be sober every day. My brother had gotten engaged to a very nice woman. He had expressed a desire to have a family for years. We all thought he would clean his act up in order to keep this woman in his life. She then calls me one day to tell me she doesn’t know what to do anymore: his drinking and behavior is completely out of control at this point. Vodka at 8:00am, missing long stretches of work, irrational behavior swings, etc. I organized a type of “soft intervention” between me, my stepmother and his fiancé.
I drove down to his home and we talked to him. Begged him to go to rehab and he refused. Irritated, he asked us to leave. I hugged him goodbye and told him “don’t lose her. She loves you very much.” He nodded in acknowledgment. That was the last time I would see my brother in person.
A few months later, he is admitted to the hospital with pancreatitis from drinking. He almost dies. He then pledges to me that he will attend an in person detox center and start a path to sobriety. I emotionally tell him to do it for my daughter, she wants to know her uncle. He agrees. 3 days later he tells me he left against medical advice and will never quit drinking because he simply cannot. After much deliberation, I tell him I am simply no longer able to have a relationship with him if he will continue to slowly die in front of all of us. He acknowledges this and is understanding of my position. This decision was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in life; truly turn my back on my brother. That was the last time I spoke to him.
About a year later my stepmother calls me to tell me he was discovered dead in his home after a wellness check. A call we all knew would come eventually, but was still devastating. I am his only next of kin and have been dealing with settling his estate ever since. It has been an extremely difficult time since and tested my sobriety, marriage and job. At times it seems like too much to bear. I however have built a foundation of sobriety and wellness. My wife is an inspiration. My daughter is a gift. I will not waste all I have worked for and have not done it in vein. I honor my brother by doing what he could not do himself.
I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post. But if you have made it this far, please know that this community has helped me immensely over my eight years of sobriety. Often a “lurker”, but today I share my story. IWNDWYT.