Almost 3 years sober

I just joined this group. I lost my grandmother last week to the flu and it’s taking a huge toll on my whole entire family. She was the glue that held our family together. I’ve been in shock since it happened and I’m still trying to process it. Here lately I’ve been having thoughts about drinking because I just want to cry but I can’t while sober because I guess I was raised to not cry. I’m 25 years old and almost 3 years ago I got out of rehab for the 5th and last time. My grandmother supported me and even visited me in rehab. Knowing that, it makes me not want to drink because I know she wouldn’t support it but at the same time the ex-alcoholic in me wants to just numb the pain that me and my family are going through. On top of that, my family is also fighting and arguing a lot because my grandmother didn’t have a will. Please give me some advice. I’m really trying to hold myself together. Thank you