The "Functional Alcoholic", Or; How the fuck am I less motivated and productive now that I'm sober?!
The title pretty much says it all. It's like recovery is all I can focus on. I love meetings, I'm driven to be there. I go to different groups so I can practically live in meetings. I often hang out in my home group's building in between meetings (PG is a total recovery whore). I spend time with my sponsor and the old timers and love it. I do any work around the building that I can. I sweep, I mop, I bring candy, I make coffee and on and on and on. I spread my ciggs among the homeless and those even more down on their luck than myself. I love this board. I spent half my Thanksgiving answering PMs about AA and it's fucking *awesome*. Bring it on with the questions man, I love it! Fuck, tell me where you live and I'll call your nearest AA center and get your shit set up *for* you. I read the big book, I've been plowing through the assignment my sponsor gave me. My AA group relishes my enthusiasm for the program.
**I want to get better!!** I want that little voice in my head to shut the fuck up!! The one that says "PG, you poor little girl. Life's been hard on you, and it's not fair. But it's *so damn romantic* for a pretty girl like you to drink by herself. So grungy and poetic. Sing some sad songs baby, it'll be so damn *pretty*." Wtf. No it won't. My life is not an Indie film.
But those two extremes are the only thing my brain can handle right now and I don't know why. I'm either in super-AA-help-everyone mode, or I'm picturing myself drinking alone like its some damn Nirvana video. Nothing sweeter than a sad girl in heavy eyeliner stumbling around her house drunk, right? Because if my flannel is expensive enough and my makeup is just so, it's picturesque, not pathetic? Ugh.
I have finals and I can't bring myself to pick up my books. I haven't registered for next semester. I haven't planned my wintermester or seen an advisor. I can't bring myself to get back to work on my company. I haven't spoken to my employees in weeks. I need a new job and I've barely looked for one. I need to settle my new health insurance and I haven't even started. I'm just trying to figure out when this will fucking stop. When do I go back to the motivated little girl I was first semester? When do I stop teetering between these extremes? When does life get normal again?