Well I am sober, but now I need to get my wife to stop hating me... I don't see how that is going to happen.
Sober almost 3 months now. But Debbie, my wife, has really gone out of her way to make sure I know how much she hates me for the past few weeks. We normally have a cold war detente thing going, but lately... I don't even know where to begin.
The real kick in the balls is that I usually get the stocking stuffers for my boys... but this year she did, and didn't tell me. So I got them things, wrapped 30 small packages, and then she goes and fills them and says that not only did she tell me weeks ago not to bother, but that I have never, ever done their stockings... which is just delusional, it is a complete denial of something that has mattered to me for 17 years. It is literally the only thing I do because she covers the big presents and doesn't want me "to overspend."
This year, I taught myself how to knit and made her a scarf. I have spent 1-2 hours a night on it for the past week and a half (because I am not a knitting machine like the people on youtube.) Last night she comes downstairs with a scarf she crochet'ed for herself in about 3 hours. Not only does she not need my gift now, hers is so much nicer that mine looks like it is fit for a muddy snowman. Needless to say, she won't be impressed.
We have to go see my family in Maryland between Xmas and New Years, and she absolutely hates the idea, and has said that her back hurts too much to go... that I should just go myself (she needs the kids to stay with her to help her with her injured back).
I am tempted to just drive until my life changes somehow. She makes it clear the boys don't need me, she doesn't want me, and generally, I feel like shit.
Going to bed now before I do something stupid and pour myself a drink. No point in adding liver damage to depression.
I hope that everyone else has a great holiday though. If you have a spouse that still loves you, in spite of your flaws, please treasure that. Once that is gone, you can feel really lost and alone and that is never a good way to be.
Edit: It's Christmas day now, and while things are tense, they are manageable. To answer some things in this thread:
1. I haven't told her that I am trying to be sober. My fear is that once she knows that I am doing something proactive to try and not be the villain... she will consciously or sub-consciously work to undermine my sincere efforts. She has noticed that the wine in the house seems to last forever now.
2. I have suggested at least half a dozen times in the past that we get couples counseling. She feels many things about this: 1. we can't afford it, 2. why should I have someone else gang up on her? 3. It never works 4. I am not worth the effort and really the solution is that I get out.
3. She only told me to leave and we were getting a divorce twice yesterday. That is an improvement from last year. I didn't say anything, which is also an improvement from last year and thanks to advice in this thread.
4. I stay because: 1. I am not a fan of divorce and feel like maybe this is fixable/worth fixing 2. My youngest is 13, so at best all I have to do is wait 5 years and he will be a man, I won't owe child support, and he will be better able to cope with any separation. 3. I am afraid. If I am honest with myself, being around someone who knows me (even though she hates me) and having a "home" (such as it is) is better than the unknown. There is also a #4 if I am *really* honest with myself: I started off life as an orphan. As a healthy caucasian baby, I didn't have long as one, and having your parents picked out by professionals is pretty awesome because my Mother and Father are wonderful loving people... but at the back of my mind, for my whole life, I have known that the one person in this world who should have been there for me... should have been unable to not love me, didn't want me. Of course I know that she probably loved me so much that she knew she couldn't care for me... I have heard the very reasonable, and likely reasons women give up children for adoption and don't think that I am unique... but it is one thing to be *told* that and another to lay awake at night with the not knowing. With the inescapable fact that there are children born in to difficult circumstances all the time... assuming that my biological mother's situation was average (which is the most mathematically probable)... 49-50% of the other mothers in the world had it worse off. Look at those babies on TV commercials where the mom walked 1000 miles through civil wars and tribal violence to get to a UN shithole in Burundi just to give her child a chance to live (of course she might give up the child if the opportunity presented itself and she had the education to understand that she had options like that... but that isn't the point). I guess my point (and I do have one) is. My feeling, at times (and not all the time) is: The one woman in the world who should have wanted me, didn't. The one woman who *chose* me and should want me, doesn't. My adoptive mother still wants and loves me, so I still have that going... and quite honestly I am being unnecessarily morose for Christmas... but this community has been very good and tolerant with me and my incessant whining... so I figured it could stand a little more.
I really want to thank everyone for listening. And I truly, deeply, wish you all a happy winter solstice centered holiday of your particular choosing!
Oh, and here is the scarf from a few days ago. It is about twice as long: http://i.imgur.com/eNNKerK.jpg. Majestic.