How Did I Feel So Powerful

Tonight I went to a bar where I used to play pool. When I went to the bathroom I was struck by visions of my previous self in the stall. I was suddenly aware of all the nights I'd spent in the bathroom (you know, when I was having *so much fun*). How many nights did I cheerfully force myself to vomit in a spiral of self-congratulation and drunken lunacy? How many times did I sit on that toilet, slumped against the cool (and rarely cleaned) stall? I spent more evenings than I could count composing myself in that restroom, talking to myself, swaying and stumbling and struggling with my jeans. I've spent whole days of my life facing that toilet and bracing myself, pushing against the stall walls as though they were going to collapse on me (just as the rest of my life had). I've spent years spinning in that bathroom, hoping only to recover enough to keep drinking. I've nearly passed out there several times. I've pissed my pants there once (I couldn't get them down in time). But I felt so in control. I thought I had life figured out. What on earth was I thinking?!