I’ve gotten to the point that I consciously don’t want to drink or attempt to moderate, but I still drink every night bc apparently it’s that addictive

Reading back through this, this is basically just another rant about being an addict and hating alcohol which if you’re a regular in this group you’ve seen plenty of.

I realized maybe ten-fifteen years ago that I had become an alcoholic at least by my definition, though almost anyone I ever talked to about it would tell me I wasn’t bc I don’t drink in the day, they never saw me shitty ( I was always at home by then), never wrecked or got a dui, never got in fights etc, Im not unpleasant when I drink and so on. But I knew how difficult it was to actually stop, how anxious it makes me when beer o’clock nears and I don’t have any or am trying to quit. I drink way more than any measure of “healthy“ drinking, and always the same amount, I can’t taper off. It’s all or nothing with me. I’ve always had a high tolerance and come from family with a lot of alcoholism. I drink every night unless I’m on a rare sober stint, I’ve never understood how some people have problems drinking but regularly take breaks but I know we’re all different. Despite all this, my labs come back every year clean (my dr knows how much I drink and does the relevant tests). I suppose it’s partly due to drinking low alcohol light beer exclusively, partly because I eat super healthy and work out daily, and partly just luck, maybe genetics. While drinking affects my schedule and Im less productive I still get everything done. Im virtually immune to hangovers. In short I never even come close to a rock bottom even though I have kind of hoped for years that that would come.

Im a Lifelong insomniac who got used to drinking myself to sleep, that was my excuse for years but I have proven that after initial discomfort where I need prescription sleep meds (2-3 nights), I have a otc med routine that reliably puts me to sleep. My dr will prescribe me a small amount of ambien every year, so I effectively have a cure: two nights of ambien and then my otc routine, yet I still don’t quit 99% of the time. Many of you know the daily routine: wake up wishing I hadn’t drank the night before, determine to quit that night, beer o’clock nears and I cave, over and over. And I just wonder every morning why I didn’t take the damn ambien…. It is effectively a cure: If I take it I know how dangerous it is to do anything other than get in bed, leaving the house to get alcohol would be disastrous. I made the mistake of mixing alcohol and xanax years ago and managed to hurt myself (another common symptom of the disease that I somehow don’t have unless I stupidly take xanax, I was mourning my mom at the time and was pretty young)

So yeah, I have a cure for a disease I know I have and that I consciously want to be free of and I don’t take it. That’s a pretty sad commentary on how insipid it is. And when I do quit, while I usually do ok for those really rough 3-4 days, I’ve never made it beyond two months despite how much my journal reflects just how much I prefer the sobriety. It can be the dumbest things that do it too: awful customer service at Walmart (shocking), I finished the book I was really enjoying and don’t have another book to dive into, Im not sleeping at home, etc.

To make it more ridiculous, in about the same timeframe as when I started to address my drinking I have developed a really great and lucky life. While I live very plainly I am fairly wealthy, debt free, I could totally retire now but don’t want to, I travel extensively which many can only dream of, Im still very healthy, at 49 I still have all my hair, my surviving family is all healthy. My only problems are this issue, I have a31 y/o daughter who wont grow up but isn’t a disaster either, and Im very lonely which is a genuine problem but separate from this issue. But compared to the crap I often read here, or hear at meetings I absolutely have it made.

Anyway, trying for what may actually be my hundredth time to do sober October. Maybe I’ll take the damn pill this time. I would really like to stay off the crap long enough to see if I could lose that last bit of weight, or get some hair color back, or actually see my appearance improve like some people report. Maybe writing all this out will help. Congratulations if you made it to the end of my dissertation.