Revelation

I'm not really sure what the deal is with my badge, but my sobriety date is 11-12-13, so I've got 90 days today. Anyway...

The last three months have been a fucking roller coaster of hell fire. Shit has hit the fan repeatedly. People close to me have have let me down and I've returned the favor. I spent weeks completely broke. I've failed at countless things. I've walked away from relationships and from plans I thought were solid. I took to my bed for a weekend with what I thought was the flu but later found to be more of an existential crises. My life has been scattered to the winds and I have only just begun to pick up the pieces. I stand before you (metaphorically speaking), a young woman who has been tried by fires of her own making. I have trouble fathoming the radical shifts in my perception of self that I've experienced in sobriety. While I've yet to find the humility I'm seeking, I have discovered an honesty that simply never occurred to me. I'm a real person now, not simply a collection of habits and reactions. I read, I code (poorly), I write. I skateboard, I workout, I plan for my future. I understand that flash without substance is nothing and so I have learned to be quiet. I practice rather than brag. I have stopped hustling and scheming and instead taken up a practice they call 'honest work'. This is all very new.

Everyday is an exercise in patience with myself. I came into college with poor study habits, then spent four years not using them. I'm not used to attending classes. Or doing homework. Or staying in touch with people I'm working with. I'm perpetually tardy. I have poor planning skills. I struggle with loneliness and fear and an astonishing ability to self-sabotage. I never check my voice mail. I rarely check my email. I'm not reliable, responsible, or trustworthy and excuses flood my mouth the instant I’m critiqued. I double, triple, and quadruple book. I can't seem to follow a schedule. I have trouble turning down social engagements because I can't seem to get comfortable alone. I have no idea how to manage my time. I frequently overreact. I'm oversensitive, indecisive, and hopelessly self-centered. My priorities shift with unhealthy speed and frequency. When overwhelmed, I shutdown completely. I go through periods of avoidance that leave me in dire (and entirely preventable) straights. I expend a lot of energy fearing a future that rarely comes to pass. I'm impulsive and frequently irrational. I feel alone in crowded rooms. I experience that deep, soul wrenching ache of sorrow quite frequently, often for no reason at all.

I am still that girl who never quite fit in. Pretty but weird, they said. When I was drinking, I convinced myself that I had escaped her. That girl was a mistake, the result of attending the wrong high school, or moving at the wrong time. Not so. I'm still that too-smart girl who talks too loud and laughs too long. My commentary is often unappreciated. Other 22 yearolds don't particularly enjoy my conversation, and I rarely take pleasure in theirs. That feeling of distaste I often feel in social situations is genuine. It's called 'not liking someone', and it's one of many feelings I now recognize and accept. That ache I feel when I read about tech companies, when I see people skateboarding, when people discuss their writing, and travel and what they read? That's nothing to numb. That's called desire, and if you feel it, you fucking do it. It's not embarrassing to learn. It's not shameful to fail. Sometimes you try your best and still lose. These are world-rocking revelations for me. Alcohol made my life work. It allowed me to tolerate bad situations. It made me sociable and happy. I stopped hating everyone. I enjoyed the company of my peers! It was a miracle... But it stopped working. Or... maybe I fucked up so bad it couldn't work anymore. I remember the 'fun' of the last few years via facebook photos, journal entries and stories I've been told. I spent years partying, yet the moments I remember wouldn't fill a single day. Alcohol made me an empty vessel. I once said I felt as though someone else had been living my life. It would be more accurate to say that no one was. There was no growth. No wisdom. I was physically present, but that's all I can claim.

So: my life is far from perfect. I sobered up only to discover a whole mess of problems and character flaws. But I make progress everyday. I wake up instead of coming to. I make rational plans and carry them out. I do homework (kind of). I clean. I track my money. Simple shit that wasn't possible before. Eventually I expect that I will even figure out college. I will learn how to study, how to attend class regularly, how to work in groups. Right now, my goal is progress, not perfection. I will go back to my business, and I will build slowly and rationally. I will finish this damn degree and start the next one. But I'm not worried about all that right now. I have finally learned to focus on *today*. Today I have two exams. Today I plan to attend the 9:00 am meeting. Today I want to pick up my 90 day chip. Today I don't want to drink... and that's it. One day at a time.