mental gymnastics of a 22 y/o in denial

im 22 and graduated college in may (yay!). Except I graduated after a month long celebration bender, that was really just a continuation of my thesis bender, which wasn't too much different from my normal consumption of alcohol.... But since its college, and everyone is always drinking, it's fine, right? Everyone drinks in college. (eyeroll at self). I knew my drinking was different because it was never enough, because I grew up hanging out in AA day care while BOTH of my parents went to meetings. My mom read to me from the Al Anon book all the time. But they couldn't control me, so I kept drinking...

Yesterday I woke up hungover after another week of going out 4-5 times. Just like every week for the past 3 years. Or maybe I wouldn't drink for 3/7 days (except a glass of wine...a couple of beers..) but if I'm not wasted, it doesn't "count" as drinking. If I'm not hungover the next day it doesn't count as drinking. If i drink moderately for 4/7 days a week then I only "really" drank 3 days a week! lol!

So then when I do get drunk I better make it count!! 5'4, 120 lbs? 6 shots ought to be just fine. Beer doesn't count because it's not "that" alcoholic. So I'll have as many as I want.

But food? No way! I saw someone talk about how they went through 'alconomics' in their head-- not being able to justify spending $10 on something while not batting an eyelash at spending $50 at the bar. I definitely do this with money too, but FOOD was such an issue. Calories! "Oh I shouldn't eat that, it has 500 cals.... *drinks an entire 2 liter of wine*" "Why am I fat if I eat so healthy...."

Well today is day 2!!

I have decided to move out of my house (where I've done so much of my bending) and my city (dead end job, alcoholic friends) and into a better city to live with my dad who is 20+ years sober. I'm going for 30 days currently, because I still trick myself into thinking that 22 is "too young" to "really have a problem". Day 2 and I feel tired but excited and hopeful for the future. I will not drink today! Thank you all for being here.