New poster/very occasional luker here. Today is the one year mark for me. I'm sorry that this post is long I just need to write this down. If I'm breaking a rule here I apologize and will gladly remove this post immediately.
I've kept the whole topic of sobriety pretty quiet over the past year. Obviously my friends and family all know that I quit drinking and why I quit drinking, but it's not something I've really discussed in detail with anyone. They know I had an alcohol problem, but I know none of them would know what it was like to suffer through that and the enormous relief I feel now that I've made it this far. So I just wanted to say a few things here that I haven't really said in real life. Feel free to read this or not, the main thing is I wanted to write it down somewhere.
I knew starting about the age of 21 (25 now) that I had a major drinking problem. I could never stop myself from blacking out when I went out with friends and I would sit in my room until 2 or 3 in the morning drinking 4loko's probably 4 nights a week or so. At that age nobody acknowledges alcoholism so I didn't know anything about it.
I started to suffer from pretty serious depression, dropped out of school, moved back in with my parents, staged a suicide attempt (I knew it wouldn't actually work but I didn't know how else to ask for help), and still nobody really brought up the drinking as the core of the issue.
For the next two years or so I would either start drinking on my lunch break, or else I would make it to the end of the day and pick up booze one the way home. I can't tell you how many times I spent the entire workday thinking, "okay I don't need to drink tonight I can make it through the night". I'd continue to think that as I pulled into 7/11 on my way home. I was always broke despite working 60 hour work weeks and living with my parents for a good chunk of this time. I went from being a varsity cross country runner to just under 300 pounds in a couple of years. I got angry for no reason whatsoever. You guys have heard it before and many of you have lived it so no need to go into detail.
Basically for two or three years I was miserable. I was still highly functional and had plenty of friends, but that made it almost harder to quit. I so badly just wanted to tone it back and drink in moderation like everyone else, but I just couldn't. I tried a couple times to quit cold turkey; I'd make it a week then have one bad day and walk in anger to the nearest convenience store to pick up a bottle of wine.
One year ago today (after basically spending three days straight drunk, and pissing in my roommate's girlfriend's purse), I woke up and just didn't want to live like that anymore. I hated who I was and I realized no matter how hard quitting was, continuing along the same path was even worse. I vowed (for not the first time admittedly) to quit drinking for real this time, and I haven't looked back since.
In the past year I've saved up some money, gone back to school, gotten into nearly the best shape of my life, picked up more hobbies than I can shake a stick at, and even gone through a couple of real relationships (granted most of those have failed but even sobriety can't cure my incompetence around women haha).
I'm almost done, but my point here was just that even a year ago I never thought I would make it. Yet here I am, sober and actually happy. I look back at the times when I was addicted to alcohol and I truly feel like that is in my past for good. I can't even begin to describe how good it feels to have something control my life like that, and to overcome that and take the power back.
I'm sorry for writing all that. If you read it, word thank you for taking the time to hear my journey. If not no worries I would have skipped over this post for sure. But if I can help even one person with this post it was worth it.
Goodnight and good luck,
Talking_Tina