an important point in my journey

an important point in my journey - my story and thanks for your part

I’ve rarely if ever posted top-level in this group; I didn’t feel my story was unique (it wasn’t), or particularly interesting. Today’s different - I feel the need to celebrate and share my thoughts on this point in my journey. You see, I used to be in a very different place - alcohol was a huge part of my life and I enjoyed it. I was a wine drinker, a craft beer drinker, and a single malt Scotch drinker - I liked the good stuff. This was great and was OK for years, until it wasn’t. It was a change that was gradual; I can’t point to one particular time. It was just a habit that increased in frequency and number until it was routine - get home from work, have a drink, then another, then one with dinner, and another, and a nightcap. I did it enough that I didn’t feel the effects after a while (perhaps a slight buzz) - I spaced them out over 5 or 6 hours.

The trouble really began when I was laid off, because then I had more time at home. The drinks started earlier, and accompanied more things. What I didn’t realize was that I was drinking because I was angry at being laid off - I was a good person, why did I get kicked out? I spent my time numbing my frustration and disappointment and I didn’t see what I was doing to myself or to my marriage.

Lots of other things in my life took place, some good, some bad, but one thing remained - each day I’d process my feelings through the bottom of many a drinking glass. If you know anything about psychology and human behavior you know that’s not a way to process anything and only creates more problems. That’s exactly what happened for me; problems. After a **decade** of this behavior I caused my wife to say enough; she was leaving. This was only after I put myself in hospital with heart failure from the amount of poisoning I’d done to myself. I had drank myself to congestive heart failure and the woman who’d been with me for over 15 years told me she was done watching me destroy myself.

I knew it was time I made a radical change in my life. I didn’t want to be dead at the age of 42 (even if it was *the answer*, and the author passed at that age; it was far too young). I was lucky in that I had a good reason: my daughter, then about aged three; if I didn’t quit I’d never have her in my life. But how would I change behavior that was so engrained it had become automatic?

I reached out for help, and found some resources that seemed to sit with my philosophy and my nature. I found a counsellor that was an excellent match. I found SMART Recovery, which gave me the power to control my thoughts and recognize that I had it within me to shift my behavior. Equally important was that I found /r/stopdrinking - it was this group that gave me a place to see others on a similar journey at any time, at work or at home. Whenever I needed it I could read some encouragement from fellow non-drinkers in the form of their own stories or comments on shared stories. You all were a big part of my metamorphosis and I will be forever grateful.; thank you.

Today I really am feeling my badge; not in comparison to any other person, but to my old self those 1337 days ago. When I started I couldn’t imagine being where I am today. I think back on where I was and shake my head; it is almost a stranger I see in the rear-view mirror.

To all those beginning the journey, I just want to say that I believe in you. You can make the change you need to rebuild your own life. It may be tough, it may require repeated attempts (been there myself; we all have), but you can do it. You will succeed. Your future self will thank you for it. I certainly am glad for the early steps I took those years ago.

Thanks for reading my ramblings. I will not drink with you today.