heading into day 5!

Excuse the badge, that's from one of the many other days I tried to stop. Just looking and seeing that my badge reads 613.... I could have had 613 days(smacks myself), yet I have been drinking almost every single one of those days. Not just normal drinking, either. I live in a town that is surrounded by booze, and am surrounded by friends who always party. It's a constant party. I have been drinking almost every day for 12 years. This terrifies me. I think about it every morning I wake up after the last day where I had anywhere from 2-10 beers. Ill wake up after a couple hours of passed out sleep, and my anxiety will be through the roof "Why did I do that again??" "I wasn't even hanging out with anyone" "I had so much I had to get done". "I don't want this to kill me"

I realized recently, I'm losing my friends. Ive had multiple people tell me that I don't have my spark anymore, that I'm not the same fun person I used to be. They don't want to hang out with me anymore because it's like I am on repeat, same issues, same conversation, same. drunk. me. The people who I care about the most don't want to hang out with me anymore. This struck me really hard. My best friend told me he didn't call me or text me anymore because he was sick of trying to help me, and me not listening to him. So, this is it.

I finally picked up This Naked Mind, again, after looking at it lying on my floor for so long, always as a reminder that I was failing myself. Ive read it all in 4 days. My mind is changed. I really, really hope.

I work in the service industry...specifically a craft beer brewery. So this is not easy. Usually, I will have a few beers before work, and 3 or so during work, and 3 or more after. This weekend, I did it... I made it THROUGH 4 really crazy busy shifts, without wanting a DROP! After the first shift, I did have a pint of 4.0% beer, then went home, and got in the tub, and read. The next 3 shifts were a BREEZE without booze. I was astounded with myself. I can do this job, with my OWN energy?! Wow.

Tonight, after my shift, I was CRAVING a beer so badly. I talked myself out of going to the bar, took off my shoes, came to SD, picked up This Naked Mind.... and went and opened the fridge. There was one beer. I had a stare off with it. I finally picked it up, opened it, took it into the bathtub, and started reading the second the last chapter. The chapter where she says "Have your last one... think about what you hate about it.." I did that. I thought about the flavor, and how it reminded me of my mistakes, and my self that I did not like. I just needed to get that all out before going to bed, to wake up on my 5th day, go work another shift, and be STRONG. I can frickin do this. I don't need that drug to be who I am, I need my health, and my friends. And you guys! I really hope I can do this.