Reflections on one year sober

* If I can do it, you can do it better! * The first thirty days were kind of a weird frozen dream (that was why I was able to do dry january three times before doing a full year). I felt disassociated, numb, out of it. * The first 100 days are torture, all the stuff that booze pushes down comes bubbling up and you gotta deal with it. I described it as "rewiring my pleasure centers" in the brain * Community - even anonymous internet community - has been key. Reddit, [coach.me](https://coach.me), whatever you need. * You might lose weight, you might not. I ate so much sugar to fill up the carb deficit of sobriety that I didn't really start losing weight until 7 months in. Then I lost twenty pounds. * I took a lot of selfies even though I rarely post them to social media. Having a sense of what you looked like in the past made a difference. * I journaled. I kept a food diary. I tracked workouts. Anything that felt like measurement was important to do. * Changing a deeply seated habit / addiction takes time, and it takes mental space. I had to anticipate triggers (using the HALT strategy at first, then looking ahead on my calendar for weddings, birthdays, dinners with heavy drinking friends). * Even though it takes time and mental space, you really can have a life while you quit drinking. I helped my mother through a surgery. I had intestinal parasites. I changed jobs (well, I got laid off and then changed jobs). I wrote a book. I got six-pack abs (they actually are great, in case you are wondering). * I have cravings but they are more cerebral than visceral: the memory of the taste of bourbon or beer, rather than "I HAVE TO DRINK RIGHT NOW OR I WILL DIE." I am never so confident that I think that I will never drink again, but I rarely feel tempted in a way that is out of control. * I didn't really have a therapist or an IRL counselor / support group. That was probably dumb. It would have made things easier. * At the beginning of the year my identity was very tied up in my marriage, probably to a codependent extent. My husband is going through some difficult transitions now and I can help him but I don't feel ensnared by his problems the way I used to. Sobriety has been the main factor in that change in perspective. * I don't have a ton of close friends to begin with; none of the ones I care to see really gave a shit that I stopped drinking. * People \*will\* ask you about stopping drinking, especially as you click in to 3, 6, 9 months. Most of them won't say that the envy it ... but sometimes if you look closely you can see the respect and love of people you care about, even if it is left unsaid. * One year on, I think relatively infrequently about the good times I had with alcohol. I remember how rude I was. I remember fighting with my husband. I remember being a dick to a famous poet. I remember waking up in my home, wondering how on earth I didn't crash the car or get a dui. That was also the night that I screwed up what was turning into a decent friendship with a person at work, I never repaired it. I remember balelful looks from people at the bar as I was sneaking snips of a drink of someone who left. I remember drinking straight from the bottle in the kitchen while my dinner guests waited for me to bring out food. It felt like small shit at the time but in retrospect it is what stuck in my memory. * I did not suddenly find myself awash in money, although I know I saved a lot, I spent it on other dumb shit. A goal for this year is to at least understand how money moves through my wallet; I'm kind of a moron on that still. * Other sober people may or may not be your best friends. People quit for different reasons, that you may or may not identify with. My mother and father in law don't drink, but this year has done nothing to change our relationship. That's ok. * I'm still not totally honest with people - especially people I'm closest with - about why I quit. I vaguely mention health or anxiety. I have never said to anyone point blank "it was pretty obvious I had a drinking problem and I decided to steer the ship before it ruined my life." I might do that this year, I might not. * Now that I've done the time, I do think about future life with alcohol. I tell myself "there is no reason to make today the day I fall off the wagon - why should today of all days be the one I drink?" it works a lot. On the other hand, I do imagine myself in the future, older, single -- it is easy to picture me going back. Luckily, the one-day-at-a-time strategy makes these thoughts pretty academic.

Well, that's all. I've been daydreaming about writing this post, well, all year :-) Thank you to everyone. If you are on the fence about stopping, let me tell you that it is the best decision I've made in the last decade, the best by a country mile. I wish you all health and happiness.