Still can't manage to get more than a day sober

I recently posted that it might just be easiest to end it all because the most sobriety I've been able to put together is 3 weeks in the past 3 months. Of course there's more to just that but I'll keep it simple for this post. The truth is that I don't want to end it all. I want to see my boy grow up (just turned 10) and I want to be there for him when he needs a dad. I want to show him how to be strong when times get tough, but how can I do that when I'm so weak???

This is the toughest thing I've ever dealt with. I've tried AA and it was NOT for me. Hell, I couldn't wait to get out of those meetings just to drink again. Had a sponsor that was pretty cool but it didn't feel like he was really into the whole sponsorship deal. Met some great people that took their own lives. One especially comes to mind because he was married, had two daughters, and was in the medical field, but just couldn't figure out how to stay sober.

I hate that I know I'm so close to getting to the point where I can say, “Isn’t it wonderful, I don‘t have to drink any more, I’m free!”. Even without being able to maintain a good length of sobriety I feel I'm close but just can't get there yet for some reason. I know I have to work, but I just want to feel proud that I've accomplished something.

I have been reading some really good books lately that explain a lot of the bullshit alcohol does to my mind and body. I feel closer to being able to stop drinking just reading those books than any AA meeting ever gave me. Tried several different groups and they just felt so toxic to me and I knew that wasn't the way. Anyway, I feel like I'm just whining at this point.

All I know is I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want to put my family through even more hell than I already have. And I especially want to be able to show my son the right path to take. I know it's his decision, but I know he needs a guide and right now I'm not the guide. I'm the enabler and I FUCKING hate that feeling. Sorry for the rant but had a lot on my mind and needed to get it out.

Tomorrow or should I say today is Sunday and I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK WITH ANYONE TODAY.