My Mom died. I didn't drink.

Last Wednesday at 4am I wake up to my phone vibrating like crazy and see that my sister is calling. My sister never calls me in the middle of the night/early morning. I immediately knew something was wrong and just thought, "Which one is it, mom or dad".

I answer the phone and she proceeds to tell me that Mom was in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer. The doctor carterized the ulcer and stopped the bleeding, but it started up again and she was throwing up blood. She passed away around 3am at the age of 66.

I was in shock. Mom wasn't the healthiest person and she actually gave up on living several years ago after her then husband died of cancer. I just always thought we'd know when it was time and have a week or so to prepare.

It's been a hell of a week driving three hours to visit my dad almost every day, helping my sister (who drove 10 hours on Saturday) to clean up our Mom's bedroom, and just trying to keep my head on straight and avoid being flooded with emotions.

I knew that if I drank during this time I'd only be prolonging the inevitable of facing the flood of emotions. I'd be running away and hiding from everything going on. I'd feel like shit physically AND emotionally. I'd be even more exhausted than I already am. I'd be full of regret the next day. But here I am starting day 24. Not a single drop of alcohol for TWENTY THREE DAYS.

I do have regrets such as not calling her recently. Regrets for not visiting as much as I could have. I know I could have visited more often but I was always too hungover or too selfish because I didn't want to miss out on drinking. However, I know Mom knew I loved her and I know she loved me. Something she said to me during our last conversation was, "You're such a good son and such a good father".

If I were still drinking through all of this or I start drinking again like I used to I wouldn't be living up to those words. I will always remember what she said to me and do my best to be who she always thought I was. She never knew I had such horrible struggles with alcohol.

Now on to day 24 and try my best to be that good son and good father not only for her, but also my wife and son and most importantly for myself. I miss you Mom and I love you very much.