My son died this week, this is the relapse potential they warned me about.

My oldest kid was 20 years old and had severe disabilities, he was wheelchair bound and had an epilepsy disorder and needed 24/7 care. His funeral was today. I'm at the stage of grief where I have immense guilt and feelings of 'if only I'd...' and have been feeling very numb so that I could get through the last few days and organise proceedings and keep my shit together for the sake of my other kids. But now those parked emotions are flooding in and it feels too much for just one person.

I'm lucky. I have lots of close support and tonnes of sympathy so I'm not looking for that here, but I have frustration that I know you fellow recovering addicts may relate to.. that my circle of family and friends really can't.

It struck me just now as I was sobbing in my dead son's room that emotional and physical pain are treated so differently and it feels so unfair.

When I was in labour, I was given pain relief and an epidural. I went through births without pain relief too but that pain went away instantly once the babies were born. When I had a bicycle accident and broke my leg in 12 places so that it looked like a bomb had detonated in my kneecap, I was given morphine and paracetamol and a cocktail of other marvellous things.

This pain of losing a child seems worse than childbirth and shattered bones put together, yet there is no pain relief. Emotional injury is something that must be processed the hard way, and that feels so unfair.

I'm craving relief. My poison was vodka but I don't crave alcohol even though people were drinking around me today. I walked barefoot in fields with my dogs instead, drank tea and ate cake and watched bubblegum TV, talked out my feelings.. I did everything I was taught in relapse prevention at rehab but it still fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking much. My reality is ripped apart and has nightmare quality to it that I can't wake up from.

This is the relapse trigger that they warned me about, the disaster that blind sides. And I'm passing the test. I'm almost 4 years sober and I'm not going to throw away all the hard work... I just wanted to tell someone that understands. Or maybe just write it out for myself.

IWNDWYT.

EDIT: I posted this in the dead of night as a way to settle my thoughts and it gave me the ability to sleep deeply which I'm really grateful for. The responses when I woke this morning were so wonderful, they were a kind of pain relief in themselves. It hadn't occurred to me that my rant could be so helpful to other people so I'm very glad for that. Thank you for being such a kind and safe community. I love you all so much, no matter what stage of sobriety you're at, you're all amazing souls.