Almost 8 months

I was good. I was doing shit. Hobbies and growth. Great days with bad ones peppered in there. Stopped AA cause “I wasn’t as bad as them”. Fucking foolish. My broken parts urned to be watered. Itching. Secretly wanting to steer this vessel into the rocks. Drown all this shit, lay my wreck on the ocean floor.

Here I lay. Drunk for the past month and a few weeks and a few more days. Problems just piling up. My dog got attacked and I was too drunk to break it up as quickly as I could have had I been sober. My drinking caused a literal land slide. Dumb ass left a well pump on cause I ran for more beer.

Fuck. This. Shit. Fuck this escape. Fuck this excuse of “self medicating”. I’m just delaying dealing with shit. Fuck this inflamed stomach. Shitting out mucus 5 times a day. Fuck “falling asleep”, you’re just blacking out. Fuck “fuck it”…that’s no way to go through life.

Every day is the same, wake up feeling like shit, say I won’t drink today. Shakes. Shivers. Cold and hot all at the same time. Spend $50 on beer, wine, and cigarettes. Stay up deathscrolling on my phone absorbing mindless media. Distractions. Bullshit. Excuses.

I was so great for almost 8 months. So angry but at least I felt things. I could run 10 miles and want to keep going. I would jump out of bed with the sun and fuck the day right up. I’d make my bed every morning. I finally had it somewhat together. Now, I don’t even know. So many zero days. Days filled with nothing. Doing nothing. Feeling nothing. The worst days.

I want out of this trap. This cycle of abuse. What can I do? Broke as shit and feeling hopelessness in my bones. I’m just so fucking tired of all of this. So fucking tired.