Sober year 1: Letter to those on day 1
Tomorrow is my year sober. I don’t know if it’s my first year or just a full year sober, but I know it’s a hard journey. 1 full year, 100% sober, no way, that’s impossible. But, somehow it was. It’s not easy but it is simple, just don’t drink. Exercise, meditate, scream, pray, cold shower, distract, white knuckle, whatever, just don’t drink. Not today.
If it is your first day or early in your days, I thought this was impossible. I said to myself I could I just didn’t want to, which at its core I guess was correct. If you want to, you can. We believe in you. I believe in you, you just have to believe in yourself.
I battled for a long time with whether I was an alcoholic or not. I thought, “if I can’t do a year sober, than I am an alcoholic.” “If I can’t stop drinking then I should.” At its worst I’ve ended up in jail, DUIs, sexually assaulted, liquor in the morning just to stop withdrawals. At its best, I’m told I had a great time, I don’t know, I don’t remember.
So much of alcohol abuse to me was am I or am I not an alcoholic. The literature makes everyone an alcoholic. “Ever drank to have a good time? Yes? Boom. Alcoholic. Case closed.” And if an alcoholic, then a person has a problem and should never drink again. Never? Not allowed? Not being allowed made me obsess. A constant internal argument.
Well I don’t know the answer but the cure for ambivalence is the allowance of both. I allowed myself to drink to be able to not want to. I stopped. Overnight.
When I stopped the suppressed trauma came. Turns out I had complex ptsd, from over 30 years of trauma, abandonment, etc. compounded by alcohol abuse creating devastation after devastation.
Alcohol abuse and addiction is tricky. For some it’s very black and white. Never, none, not allowed. 0. For others, like me, it’s a spectrum. I am susceptible to alcohol abuse and addiction. I have abused alcohol in the past, severely. I don’t know if I will do moderation management and allow myself wine, but I know that day isn’t today. I don’t want things that go down fast: beer, liquor, I’m done, too dangerous, I am 0 or 100mph, I’m just that type of person. But I also think that that society’s “if problem, then alcoholic. If alcoholic, never drink, 0, not allowed” stops many people from confronting their abuse and issues. I have found balance is key in life, I don’t know what label that makes me if I’m a person that abused alcohol but now just has wine.
I don’t know where I will be. I don’t like thinking in forevers, nevers, and not allowed tos. Maybe I will let wine-only return, maybe that’s just an addict brain wanting a taste. Maybe I need to do my own research and find out if alcohol is heroin for me, abstinence only, or if it’s a sugar addiction, where moderation is sought. I don’t know but I know I am not drinking today. A great book on this subject is “Sex, drugs, gambling, and chocolate.” I read the AA book and the meetings and book are not me. I don’t like 0 forever or failure. A book on this and alternate options for abstinence only, moderation, and in between is “AA: not the only way.” Moderation Management is good too. I know that the sub is pretty abstinence-only. Find what works for you, even if moderation is how we find abstinence.
I counted my days, every day, until about 100. Then I forgot my day and remembered how to live without alcohol.
The journey of 1000 miles starts with 1 step. 1 second, 1 minute, 1 hour at a time turns into 1 year out of nowhere. You can do this. In my early days, this sub got me through, every single day.
If you need a person to talk to, I am here. Return to this sub often. If you are thinking it, someone else here has too. Whether you are on your first decade or first day. No matter what, keep smiling, keep laughing, keep swinging. You got this. If you need strength, read Theodore Roosevelt’s Man in the Arena. Words I live by. Spoiler: the critic is ourselves.
My best to you on your journey. I know nothing but know 1 thing: be kind to everyone you meet. For everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. God bless you and your family and thank you r/stopdrinking, this sub saves lives.