Just relapsed

Hello y’all, it’s been a little over 50 days since I quoted but today I relapsed. I’ve been pretty depressed since quitting but now I ran out of weed (it’s illegal in my country and the police is catching tons of weed in my city, só literally I can’t buy it). Weed is the only happiness I had left (I’m bipolar af, adhd, full of trauma that im trying to handle and have chronic pain - 2 fying years in pain). Everything fried my brain today, I’m 34 but today I felt like I was 14, did the same shit I used to do in my teenage years, which is cut myself, kind of a lot.

I don’t even now why I’m writing this.

Tomorrow I’ll quit again, I’ll not restart the count because not restating it helped me quit drinking 4 years ago (had a couple of relapses in the beginning but I’m 4 years alcohol free now, almost 5 years.

So fucked up being so traumatized, all the time wishing I had a different upbringing, tough to realize how much of me is trauma and how much I do damage things to handle it. Alcohol “helped” me survive my life when I was 13 to 17, but in my late 20’s alcohol got the best part of me until i quitted for good, since then I’ve been trading tô quit smoking, now gotta deal with the weed “withdrawal”. I feel like less than shit, like I’m broken person beyond repair, the only person who knows the real me is my husband, besides him everything feels like I’m pretending to be someone else.

Sorry for the long post and for the broke english, I just need to vent a little.

Buy y’all and good luck