day 4 without smoking.

i smoked from 13 to 29, with many failed attempts to quit and one successful year without smoking (2024). well, not that successful, since i eventually started again. since then i’ve had a couple more attempts, usually relapsing around day 6. and now i’m trying again.

this fight with smoking has probably been the biggest challenge of my life. strangely, i’m not even struggling that much right now. it almost feels like i’ve quit so many times that quitting itself isn’t a big deal anymore, as if subconsciously i assume this won’t be the last battle either. but i really want it to be. i don’t want to live in this loop anymore. that one smoke-free year showed me that i can actually do it, and more importantly, that life genuinely felt better in pretty much every aspect. i remember looking back and realizing i’d been sick and tired almost my entire life. i even forgot what procrastinating felt like. i used to think it was just one of my personality traits, but it turned out cigarettes made me lose interest in almost everything except wasting time smoking.

now i’ve obviously forgotten what being smoke-free for that long actually felt like, so i’m trusting my past self, who was absolutely sure that it gets better and easier. so far, it mostly feels like i suddenly have way too much free time and way too much cotton in my head, life feels flat, plus waking up six times a night in complete apathy. i remember promising myself i’d never start again because i never wanted to put myself through quitting again. yet here i am. again.

but i came up with a little hack that’s been surprisingly helpful: every time i get a craving, i set a timer for 15 minutes. somehow that response shifts something in my brain. instead of telling myself i can’t smoke, i’m just delaying it for 15 minutes. by the time the timer rings, the craving is usually gone or much weaker. it keeps proving to my brain that a craving is just a wave and it always passes. it’s basically turned indefinite deprivation into a finite delay. if anyone tries it, let me know if it works for you too. and please wish me luck, especially for day 6. apparently that’s my boss fight ! :)