Quitting Smoking Day 4: The Panic Attack

Hey guys,

I woke up feeling great today. Well rested, clean, but not quite ready for the day. Since I stopped cold turkey on Tuesday, I've been feeling my anxiety level quickly increasing. For as long as I can remember, I've experienced varying levels of depression, which I feel was exacerbated by going from a pack a day to zero a day. I recognize they're withdrawal symptoms, but I feel like there is a point where a simple craving or symptom becomes something wholly disruptive.

I had my first panic attack today. I haven't had a panic attack in two years. I was shaking, crying at my desk. I'm not prone to strong emotion, nor prone to emoting in front of people. I just shut down. It was awful.

A bunch of people in my office smoke, so being around them hasn't helped at all. I asked for a cigarette. I had a cigarette. I got a quick fix, and I hate myself now for it.

This just means that now I will have to be extra vigilant moving forward. I know what I did was wrong, but I couldn't prolong the anxiety. My earlier behavior was over and above the bounds of professionalism, and I needed to reign it in. It's usually at this point in previous attempts at quitting that I'd say "Fuck it" and cave to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke the whole damn thing just to curb the anxiety. I'm not going to do that. I won't let the tipping point of quitting and relapsing be a single cigarette. Not this time.

I let myself down big time, and my bosses down even more. I need to handle my cravings and my emotions caused by the cessation better.

I *guess* I'll be okay.

Sorry, I needed to get this out.