Report from a Year and One Half on cravings

Just had my first really bad craving in a long time last night. I'm just past 1.5 years as a nonsmoker. 18 months, there's a multiple of 3 for you folks looking for patterns :D

I was downstairs stringing a 12 string guitar and getting just slightly frustrated with it. I was hanging in there though, and nothing was insurmountable. Standard project challenges, right?

Well, somehow some fresh cigarette smoke began wafting in my window...it wasn't ashtray smelling or bad smoke smelling. It was all the good smell. I ignored it and didn't think about it until a few minutes later I realized that I was ready to explode.

It wasn't a struggle with 'should I smoke or not'. I wasn't going to smoke. It was a 'GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T SMOKE, NOTHING IS FAIR AND FUCK EVERYTHING' kind of temper tantrum, from the most childish place in me. I struggled with not exploding for a while. I pulled back, took a break and took some time to calm down.

It went away, and I wasn't too rude to my lady. I was able to realize pretty quickly that there was a connection between smelling the smell and having the desire to go out and gorge myself impulsively and self-destructively, if not with cigarettes then with SOMETHING to throw down on it. At first though, I just felt mean and angry. Realizing what it was took some of the power away, and I knew if I waited a bit I'd feel normal.

And I did! It went away fairly quickly and I was glad I didn't do anything rash. But it did open my eyes that it was so immediate and powerful. I didn't see it coming and I've been around people smoking since then and not been bothered. It was that one smell, which is a tiny slice of the cigarette smell spectrum and not one I ever smelled while smoking one myself. So it wasn't going to be worth it.

So look out, it can pop up any time BUT it's just a fleeting thing even when it's powerful. Not giving it any more weight than it deserved worked well. It is still so worth it to be a nonsmoker, worth suffering through the occasional craving.