Im sad and it's stupid

First year, first semester and I ended with a group I didn't vibe with. Im trying to match with them but it's not really going well. I sometimes go too far or too little. I'm naturally quiet and I tend to lose myself, when Im not doing anything. They're very different from me, and the people I enjoy talking to but I've

still stick with them bc they were my first and I am sentimental.

It's just sad. I'm just sad being with them now. I'm sad that I cant relate to whatever their saying,, that I basically add nothing and change nothing if I wasn't in their group, and whenever Im quiet they always ask "if Im okay" which is fine but it feels so wrong, it feels like their mocking me and I just laugh bc how else am I gonna react even tho it weirds me out. It feels like they dont listen to me, they dont care if im there or not. There was even a moment the group passed me, and only a few waved or even acknowledged me.

I just made this post bc someone again pointed out na lutang ako, alam ko lutang ako even my old friends point it out but I just cant help but be hurt when they say something about it.

I sometimes wonder how an airheaded person like me could possibly be considered smart in academics. I know Im childish, even dumb in some areas to the point of silliness but it still hurts. It felt like puberty again where I was still childish and enjoyed childish things, it looks like everyone was a step away and moving on while I wasn't yet. I thought I've outgrown this but I guess I haven't. I always thought of myself as a tad different, and when I met my old friends in my prev years I felt a little less weird. And now, I didn't realize I'll feel this feeling again.

So, I dont think they'll be hurt if I leave them silently. Stop having lunch or join them in lectures or studying. I do go around the room and try to talk to people, I do have people I can see myself actually bondinf with. A few groups who know and actually wonder where I was. (I was so happy when this one group I've spent two days with nakita ako "dyan ka pala", I didn't even notice them passing by) di ko pa sila nakakausap ng one on one each but it made me so happy they remembered me.

Im a doof too, Im not perfect, maybe I didn't integrate myself enough in the group. I didn't bother with outings bc tbh I genuinely didn't want to and maybe my words can likely come off as harsh and unrelatable even tho I do try to defuse it as a joke. Maybe I've also hurt one of them without knowing. But I just dont think I can relive this and continue being sad about being left out. While ang dami kong awa in my body, I cant articulate it into words. I cant comfort anybody, Im like that person who goes pat pat on the shoulder bc I have no idea what to do.

Im just typing this out bc i dont wanna say anything to anyone. But i want someone to read and listen, no need for advice or words of wisdom. I just wanna get this off as I cry and calm down so carry on. Thank you for listening to my woes.

Also a little end observation of mine. Most of my friends I dearly believe will be for life were public, I am back again to private. Im pretty sure it's just my social ineptitude at that and this point haha. I should try getting into a public college to do a self-study lmao