Gutted after trying to reconcile.

Posted previously on a throwaway several months back, I'll link it when I get a chance / if I'm able to. Previous update: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/jLs2xX2gc6

DDay was 3/30/24. Discovered he had been cheating and lying to me for almost the entire relationship. He swears none of the cheating was physical, but how can I really be sure?

The whole ordeal leads us to his upbringing, deep trauma, sex addiction, etc. He is deeply dissociating his emotions. Even his therapist finds him especially difficult to make progress with.

I worked on myself. My compassion. My self worth. I felt like I was working my ass off to make sense of what life had become.

After 7 months, I saw minimal progress (on his end) Some, yes. But a lot of it felt like virtue signaling and not real work. A lot of "Look what I'm doing!" and little actual digging deep into himself, internally.

I held onto that small progress. But I equate it to being stranded for days in the desert and being offered a shotglass of water. Boy, that water is sweet and I'm so happy and grateful for it -- but I'm still dying of thirst.

This was my second marriage. My first cheated on me the entire relationship as well (confirmed physically, he didn't hide it as well). Thankfully discovered that early on in the marriage and was able to move on. I learned my lesson, I thought. I knew the signs.

I had no clue how deceptive a person could really be.

I told him today we were officially separated. I thought he'd continue to do the same thing he had been saying all along -- that he would never stop showing me that he is working on himself, to be better -- for us and for his own sake.

The FIRST thing he did when finding out the news was disable Truple, the software I use to monitor his sobriety (screenshots of his phone and devices).

I know that, if we are really done, this is the logical step... but when I've tried so hard for 7 months, being told every step of the way how much I mean to him and that he'd do everything in his power to show me he is changing, and that he'd never stop... Only to see him stop immediately when I put up a boundary like this... I feel hurt but also validated.

He threatened to delete it once before, saying "what's the point" if we are done? The point is that you say one thing but do another, while asking me to trust you... and this is yet another example of that -- you say one thing, swear up and down, but when it is put to the test your actions don't line up. And yet again it is shown that you cannot be trusted.

I'm looking for support. I know this is the right decision. Just looking for some loving words.