The second time was easier

Well, I'm back here again.

Never posted before, but been through this once (never got confirmation one way or the other), thousands of dollars of therapy and few years later I'm back.

Things started to get worse between us during the year, I can say by early summer affection started to taper off, sex became less frequent and things became a little stale.

I thought maybe she could be going through menopause since it's around that time. I tried to be supportive, I ask is anything wrong, but she doesn't talk about anything like that.

She gets less and less affectionate, we're getting on really well, but there's no touch, no back rubs, no hugs, no kisses, no hand holding, no hand on my leg, no playing with hair, no cuddling in bed. Touch is my love language, we spent a lot of time on this in therapy.

She pulls away when I try get a hug, or initiate sex, or simply cuddle on the sofa. I leave things be for a while, because other areas are good. Months pass.

This year we are going to my home country for Christmas, I spoke to her about booking flights, she informs me that she's booked he christmas holidays from work for the week after christmas, why???? why would she do that??? I thought it was her mean controlling streak coming back, she was trying to sabotage our trip, even though I haven't seen family and friends back home in more than two years, what have I done for her to behave this way?

I ask her to change the dates, she says she can't, I ask her to work from there instead, she reluctantly agrees even though it isn't at all a problem. I book tickets.

We get a late invite to a dinner party, odd I thought, why were we left out until a couple of days before? (I now see that she new before, but hoped I'd decline on such short notice).

We go, things are good, good people, good food, good conversation. By midnight half the people have gone but a few of us remain, drinking and chatting sitting around the table. While engaged in conversation with a few people I glance over at my wife. One of the guys is rubbing her back, not in a light hearted jovial kind of way, in a tender, we know and are deeply comfortable with each other kind of way; I couldn't believe it, I said nothing, just observed while remaining engaged with the conversation I was having.

I kind of died inside, but it was different this time, feelings just switched off - I felt nothing.

My thoughts where kind of "Oh, so THIS is what's going on, I get it now" - everything clicked into place. This guy and one of my wife's best friends (who is pretty narcissistic) were having problems, and my wife was "helping", "advising" and "consoling" this guy via text messages earlier in the year.

Would you believe I actually felt relief??

They were drunk, they forgot I wasn't drinking. If they acted that way while I'm across the table from them, what's going on when I'm not around???

His behaviour once I started watching more closely was of someone who was smitten.

I decided it was time to go home, when we got home she scolded me for ruining the evening by leaving early (after 2am), and gave me the cold shoulder, went to sleep in a huff. No change there so.

She had no intention of travelling for christmas, she wants to spend it with AP, I'm certain some other problem will come up between now and then meaning she can't travel. She's already complained about not having good internet access over there. Luckily that all sorted itself out that night.

I slept soundly.

The next day I brought it up - "Good night last night, but people got a bit drunk there before the end, I think AP was hitting on you"

"No he wasn't"

"Sure he was, at one point he was rubbing your back and everything"

"..."

She just stared at me, not in a "fuck you" kind of way, or a disappointed kind of way, it was an "Oh shit" kind of way.

I let that hang for about 10 seconds then changed the subject. That was all I needed, my decision was made.

She said nothing further about it. Later in the week she mentioned that she bumped into AP in town, and he was out on a date, but he asked her not to mention it to anyone, so I can't say anything - sure thing!

D-Day is next week. I don't need this mess any more. The first time I had no proof, just massive disrespect, lies and gas-lighting from her, but I gave it a shot because I was co-dependent and I thought we could be fixed. We made good progress for a year and a half before things started sliding again. This time I've enough information, hindsight and self respect do what needs to be done.

I'm not even mad. I'm more relieved than anything else. Relieved that my intuition is working, relieved that I'm not as broken as I thought I was, relieved that I'm not the un-trusting, broken, unlovable (implied by her lack of affection) person she portrayed me as.

I get it now. It's time to move on.