The Banquets of King Eplear: The Dragon of Skyrim
*From “Folklore of Cormount” (University of Gwylim, 2E 564), a compilation of regional songs and legends about the early Camoran Dynasty.*
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...and having heard that Eplear Camoran was a wise and benevolent king, and that he had punished the Ayleid sorcerers for their iniquities, the Falmer of Skyrim sent envoys to ask for his help. They had been warring with the Men of the North for a long time and they were losing ground with each passing year.
King Eplear took pity on their plight and sent an embassy of his own, not just to the Falmer, but to the Men of the North too. For he did not want to impose war on distant lands, but to reach an understanding that would benefit every side. That was the way of the Green.
The ambassador to the Northerners said:
"Both of you claim this land as your ancient birthright. Both of you have lived here for generations. Would it not be better to stand as neighbors, helping one another, rather than as perpetual enemies? Children of Lorkhan, put your grievances and ambitions aside and let us join hands as we have joined hands with the Men of the South. If it is retaliation what you fear, let it be known that King Eplear will guarantee the security of all parties involved."
But the king of the Men, a ferocious warrior known as the Dragon of the North, beheaded the ambassador with a flick of his axe.
"Do no trust the knife-eared devils!", he said to his followers. "They might be shorter than the ones we usually fight, but they are clearly Elves! And everyone knows that Elves always lie! Not like us, who never lie. Or only lie when it is right and justified. Or when it is convenient for us. Or when we are too drunk to remember what we have said."
This was obviously a major breach of diplomacy, so King Eplear mounted an expedition to teach the Men of the North some manners.
The journey was long and arduous. Few Bosmer had seen snow before, and many a soldier died of cold or crushed by avalanches. Thankfully, when they finally arrived to the plains beyond the mountains, they discovered that Skyrim was a bountiful land. Hunters would bring enough meat to fill the bellies of the entire army day after day, from mammoths to saber cats, from wolves to giants, from mudcrabs to strange creatures whose names have been lost to the ages. To this day, it is said that nobody has seen a snow whale again in Skyrim because the Bosmer ate them all.
While the arrival of this army surprised the Men of the North, they were not afraid.
"Ha, ha, look at those puny Elves! They make weapons of wood and bones! Our steel weapons are so superior that this will not be a battle, but a massacre."
Unfortunately for them, the Bosmer were great archers. While armor protected most of the enemies’ bodies, the arrows of our people were so accurate that they could penetrate even the smallest opening. Before the first line of steel-clad Men could reach the Bosmer, nine out of ten lost their eyes, putting the fear of Arkay in their hearts.
Realizing the upcoming debacle, the Dragon of the North chose to act.
"I will burn them all!"
His moniker was no exaggeration; this Man could transform himself into a dragon by shouting a single word. As a dragon, he could rain fire upon the Bosmer, and fly away when King Eplear's archers shot at him. Even if the occasional arrowhead touched him, it was for naught, for his scales were as hard as ebony.
King Eplear consulted his Falmer allies, who offered a potential solution:
"Your Majesty, dragons are the children of Auri-El. You must perform a pilgrimage to our most sacred site and ask for his help."
And so he did. King Eplear crossed valleys, went underground and rose again, and finally arrived to the Chantry of Auri-El. The Archcurate performed the ritual blessings and His Majesty prayed for aid. Moved by his piety and sense of justice, the King of the Gods gave him his Bow and his Shield, the same he had used to defeat Lorkhan in the dawn of the world.
King Eplear aimed Auri-El's Bow at the sky. Not at the flying dragon over him, no, but at the sun. When his arrow pierced Magnus, the light of the sun shone so bright that it blinded everyone. Including the Dragon of the North. The enemy fell to the ground. King Eplear then bashed his skull with Auri-El's Shield, so repeatedly and so hard that the dragon's brain turned into mush and he died.
"Time for a banquet", His Majesty announced.
Under his command, the defeated Northerners surrendered their weapons and armor. They were brought to a sacred forge in the middle of the plains and melted into a very different utensil: a giant skewer like none other, which was then used by the royal cooks to roast the dragon’s corpse as if it were a chicken. And for the next generation, the scarcity of steel meant that the Men of the North could not wage war as often as they desired, giving the Falmer some respite.
"Look at what they are doing to our king!", the Men shouted.
To King Eplear's surprise, though, those were not cries of anguish or anger, but of admiration. While the Men of the North were impulsive and brutish, they also appreciated feats of combat. Soon, His Majesty found himself surrounded by Northern bards, who enthusiastically declared him the greatest warrior-king in history.
"Indeed, what history is there before you, Camoran King? None that matters! May our annals remember your glory forevermore."
They also accepted to take part in the ensuing feast, for there was no taboo against eating dragons.
"Some of our greatest heroes ate dragons", a bard explained.
And thus understanding was reached between Elves and Men, if only for a brief time, with the only point of disagreement being whether dragon meat tasted like beef or like chicken.