Lost ID, Social Security card, and birth certificate. What do I do?

So I lost (not stolen) my wallet which had my ID and social security card (yes I know I shouldn't have kept it there) in it and after finding out I was only eligible for replacement by going in. The ID had expired this year and was ineligible for online renewal. Getting my documents together to begin the process of replacing them I can't find my birth certificate anywhere. What the fuck do I do from here? I was born in Harris County and they require a copy of my ID to get order a certified copy of my birth certificate online (requires ID in person), replacing my ID requires a birth cert or social security card (as well as supporting documents), and replacing my social security card requires both . Really seems like I'm fucked.

Edit: Fun facts: Our government considers a Mexican voter registration card a better form of identification than a US voter registration card to the point they're on separate tiers. Also, in other states you can get a replacement ID with just a fingerprint scan.