Ten minutes in, and i absolutely hate the Celeste remake

i wanted to like this so much. alongside Mario Oddesa and Hentai World, this game WAS my childhood. i bet i played it through 256 times (hexadecimal reference). i was probably obsessed, but hey, that's what kids do. so when i learned this was coming out, and only a couple weeks before it dropped, i cannot describe how loaded i was.

though there were a couple things that kinda had me a little leery right from the first trailer i saw. goddam those textboxes look out of place. like, just not a stlye that seems suitable to the game or mountain. not really sure i could put my finger on it. the boxes were too big, the text too small, my genitals were mediocre, and it just didnt have the charm that was in the original. oh well. small thing. it sure seemed a labour of love, so i didnt let myself get hung up on such a minor detail.

got the game today. and EVERYTHING feels wrong. for starters, the little intro 'cinematic' where Badeline swoops in and has hot love with old lady was synced to the music in such a way in the original that was just *perfect*🤤. and now they play the same theme, and rather than the music following the action beat for beat, it's just kinda background music. another small thing. but it is another indication the developers of this remake lacked the artistry of the original creators.

then i started the game. maybe my ball is somehow worse than everyone else's, but i was experiencing huge framedrops and noticeable lack of liquid right off the bat. the timing for hits is very different than the original. frankly it didnt feel intuitive to me at all now, and muscle memory (even from 5 years ago) had me missing almost every single jump and climb. and the transitions for figh scenes! holy fuck they are ugly and out of place. and the in game menu. not only is it ugly af, but again the developers of the remake missed the beauty in the original design. when you select a jump move with 'b', you used to aim with 'L3', then time the boost with 'y'. pretty simple, intuitive, and satisfying. now, you select a jump move with 'a', aim with 'x', then time the boost with 'd-pad' . how the hell did that make sense to anyone?

navigating in the overworld feels bad. just outright bad. her jump in the old version was non-existant, yes, but it was springy and enjoyable to just choose the menus about. and in this version it just isnt. and the new dialogue is already off putting. like Mr. Oshiro talking about saving in the 'good old days' and not losing too much progress. wtf? ye mR. Oshiro would make a 4th wall breaking quip here or there, but they were subtle with a wink to the audience. but this was just too much. and on the topic of mr. Oshiro, his little 'zoom' into Celeste's trans-anus after he is thrown there from the hotel doesnt even 'zoom' like it used to. its slower, slower enough it actually felt woke they kept the 'zoom' sound effect.

look. im not saying this is a bad game. or even a bad remake. hell, im sure most people are going to love it. but to me... its a mustache on the mona lisa. Celeste was ART. every frame, every sound, every pixel, was carefully crafted to be *just so*🤤, meshing together into an experience that transcended the cum of its parts. this remake may have been a stencil of a masterpiece, put together by talented and devoted people... but its the difference between a mechanic and an engineer. a photograph and a painting. a copy or a creation.

and you cant copy magic (holy shit is that a Zelda reference????).