Distress over being unsure.

Hello! I'm firmly nonbinary and love to present both masc and fem depending on many factors. Even on my fem days I would prefer to have a flat chest. But I view the act of binding to not be worth the hassle anymore, for I have more important shit to worry about.

I have been considering top surgery for the last 5 years at this point. I have been on insurance for over 2 years now.

I joined the wait-list and eventually had my consultations with the surgeon. By the time we were ready to book a surgery date I had to postpone due to having bought my first car and lacking funds.

I now have plenty enough to cover the cost of surgery, but the costs still heavily repulse me.

Yesterday I was content with my chest, and retired my financial spreadsheets relating to the procedure.

Today, I want the procedure again. I constantly flip flop between wanting a flat chest and being somewhat okay with my breasts.

If I could snap my fingers and be in recovery mode right now I would take it. But the long wait between everything leaves so much more room for doubt. I told myself yesterday that I would cancel insurance in 30 days and just leave things as are, and now I fucking want the procedure again.

Please help.