"Do you go to church, sir?" Всем офицерам, начать процедуру!!!

This isn't really all that dramatic, but I'm weird as hell, so I decided to just use that. And hopefully this gives you folks a chuckle. I have a pretty average and usually happy or neutral looking face, but if I try, I can put on the don't-f-with-me eyes.

I was at a grocery store a couple months ago and I saw these guys in white collared shirts going around an area of the parking lot talking to people with these big smiles on their faces.

I've seen those "do you have a moment to discuss our Lord and savior Cheesus Rice?" types before, but they've never been too pushy with me till today.

As usual I was sitting in my car on my phone for a few minutes before going in shopping. And then there was a tap on my window. "Sir, excuse me! Do you go to church?"

I was immediately annoyed. Like really? You're gonna bother me with religious crap through my closed window? I wasn't even out walking and I did not invite conversation with this guy.

So, maybe a bit of an overreaction, but I half did it out of annoyance, and half because I was thinking "ooh, I bet this might freak him out a little, heh heh."

I slowly, slowly turned my head from my phone to look out of my window, just enough that I was staring directly into his eyes through the top left corners of my own. Have you ever been given the corner eye before? I gave him full corner eye.

He stood there with his smile frozen for a few seconds. I turned back to my phone, thinking I'd made my point.

"Are you using the Discord app in there? I love Discord!"

I slowly turned and eyed him again, and I didn't look away. After about five seconds he just sort of sidestepped away from my car around the hood. I kept my eyes pointed at him (he was looking at me the whole time) until he was several feet away and had turned away from me.

I then got out and started shopping. I saw him and another guy talking to someone ELSE through their window (though thankfully this one was open). I went inside and while I shopped around, I told some people to watch out, that there were some weirdo religious guys out there. I didn't say fanatics; I don't think it was THAT bad. But that guy had definitely gotten on my nerves being just a touch too insistent on conversation.

As I walked back outside, I saw the one guy and one of his buddies hanging out by a white truck which I figured must be theirs, and I think a third one nearby was still talking to another customer.

I decided to screw with them one last time, and this is the part where I think I confused the hell out of them.

I started talking just a bit loudly (enough for them to hear me) into my phone in rapid-fire Swedish but in a Russian accent, and when they looked at me, I pointed at them and their truck, and pretended I was reading the license plate. I said the license plate number into the phone in the heavy fake accent, as though I was reporting them to the local police or something, and they looked just a bit unnerved.

Then I just got in my car and drove off.

Was I overdoing it? Of course I was. Don't be afraid to tell me, but just know I'm already aware.

I really just wanted to weird them out as much as possible since that's what they did to me. And I highly doubt a parking lot of grocery shoppers is the right place to try and convert people to Religioustianity.

If y'awll wanna discuss Jayzus, have fun. But don't be a pushy creep about it. No, I'm not using Discord, and you wouldn't have my account name or whatever if I was.

I haven't seen them since. Maybe they're at some campsite somewhere bursting into people's tents to ask them about their Facebook accounts.

To answer automod:

How was I "traumatized"? Bothered by a pushy religious something's witness or whatever he was.

How did I "traumatize" him back? By giving him deathkill eyes and pretending to be reporting him to something or someone by speaking rapid Swedish nonsense in a Russian accent into my phone while passing by them and their truck on my way out.

Huh, that sounds even weirder when summarized.