Am I trying to "heal" the "wrong" way?

I keep what I call, my Trauma Tub which is a storage tub full of things from res. tx, wilderness and res. again.

I occasionally look through it to try to find stuff to process in my therapy these days.

Half of the time I trigger myself into oblivion. Other times it can be helpful.

But why do I keep going back to it?, thinking that *this* time will be different. I will think differently, feel differently and not let it consume me. "Oh I wOn'T fEeL tHe RaGe AnD pAiN *tHiS* tImE."

Only for that exact thing to happen.

Am I purposely taunting myself? I think I *do* try to "test" myself to see if I've moved through and past it but then it's as though nothing really changes when it comes down to it.

Anyone have any advice or support? Even potential explanations?